The 100-0 Marriage

       The marriage relationship should be a 100-0 relationship. It is a matter of giving everything and expecting nothing in return. Jesus gave everything for mankind without any expectation and Christians are also to give everything for their spouse. Ephesians 5:1-2, John 15:12-14 and other Scriptures bear this truth out. Yes, if one person gives all and the other never gives anything in return, that is a problem. And no, we are not talking about allowing abuse or sin or inappropriate behavior. But what would happen if I just stopped focusing on all those things about my spouse that bother me and focus on meeting his or her needs and making them happy? What if I just dropped the expectations and sought only the best for my spouse? What if husbands and wives sought to win their spouse without a word (1Peter 3:1-2) - to serve and love their spouse unconditionally?  What a concept! To love each other as Christ would want us to - yet, too often, in counseling, I have to try to persuade people to die to self and just love their spouse without expectations. The Christian marriage is a covenantal relationship. A relationship in which each spouse fulfills his or her responsibilities even if the other does not. 

Peace in Your Relationships

Jesus Christ came that we might have peace; the Prince of Peace brings peace in three ways:

Peace with God – a lack of enmity or hostility with Him. Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have PEACE with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Romans 5:1

Peace in the world – tranquility in spite of the problems. I have told you these things, so that in me you may have PEACE. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33

Peace with people – not only a lack of hostility with others, but a harmony with people. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at PEACE with everyone. Romans 12:18

It all begins with peace with God. Peace in the world won’t happen without peace with God and when we don’t have peace with God or in the world, peace with others will be difficult. Psalms 119:165 tells us, Great PEACE have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble. When we love the Lord our God with all our heart, mind and soul, the things others do should not cause us to stumble – to make us do ungodly things. Too often, that is not the case; we react in anger when we are offended. Brothers and sisters this should not be. We must live out our Christianity, allowing God’s peace to rule, rather than the flesh. Philippians 4 reminds us that when we are focused on the Lord and giving everything to Him, the PEACE of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Boundaries in Marriage

Boundaries can be especially confusing in the marriage relationship. The ideas of oneness, loving as Christ loved, giving of self, and submission seem to argue against boundaries. Yet, the concept of boundaries does not refute these ideas and actually works to increase their effectiveness in marriage. Lack of boundaries is a major problem in marriages. A husband or wife may suffer through the problems of the spouse until they have had enough and then leave the marriage. They think freedom from their spouse’s problems means freedom from their spouse. Yet, very often they have contributed to their spouse’s problems by never setting healthy boundaries that would allow the Lord to work in their spouse’s life.

A healthy marriage relationship takes the work of two people. One can only do his part in the relationship; the rest must be left up to the Lord. Setting boundaries to change a spouse will not work, that is manipulation. Setting impossibly difficult boundaries will drive a spouse away rather than help build a healthy relationship. Husbands and wives do many things to injure and even destroy their marriage relationship, but it does not have to be this way. Healthy boundaries are a cornerstone of a healthy, fortified marriage that will grow and flourish.

Christmas is About

Many today say that we are in the midst of the “Culture Wars.” It boils down to two sides; one side says that those “Christian fanatics” attempt to shape the world into their narrow-minded, bigoted view. While the Christians argue that the “other side” seeks to remove any and all vestiges of God from a nation built on a godly foundation. One problem is that there are not just two sides; we only see the extremes in the media and think that this is what the “war” is all about. There are as many views about this issue as there are people who think about it – unfortunately, the vast majority don’t think about it and only go along with the popular view of the day.

Christmas is one of those battles of the culture wars. Again, we tend to only see the extremes, and the majority cruises along going with the flow, not considering that perhaps, they should search out the information and make a decision for themselves. Interestingly, there are two polar opposites who say that Christmas should not be celebrated at all. The anti-God crowd who don’t seem to want to be reminded that they are anti-God and those who believe that the Christmas celebrated today is only a pagan holiday. In between, we have the Christmas is about the dollar folks who only see the financial rewards of celebrating Christmas and the “keep Christ in Christmas” crowd who want to use Christmas to evangelize and “reach” people for Christ.

But we have to ask the question: What is Christmas? The answer to that question doesn’t necessarily put you into one of the two extremist camps, but helps identify your world-view and provides the basis of how you will celebrate (or not celebrate) this holiday. Unfortunately, too many people only do what they have always done and although there might be slight changes, they basically view Christmas the way their family of origin viewed Christmas. I will say that if you believe Christmas is the celebration of the coming of the Savior, there should be some identifying marks to your celebration. In spite of the recent movie; Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas, a Christian celebration of Christmas should be more than trading the wealth of the family among each other. Christmas is really about you – what do you think about the Christ? Was he a good man? A prophet? A myth? A deceiver? Or was he what he claimed to be, God incarnate, the ONE who came to reconcile mankind to the God they rejected? Think about it!

Read more regarding what Christmas is about by going to this link: http://www.fortifiedmarriages.com/Images/Christmas%20Is%20about.pdf.

Financially Dependent Adult Children

There seems to be an epidemic of adult children depending on their parents to make it financially. Young men, perfectly able to work, playing computer games all night and sleeping all day while their parents support them. Or young women dependent on their parents because they continually make poor choices and often need to be bailed out.  There are many different expressions of this, but the bottom line is that adults today are too often dependent on their parents for financial survival and not responsible for themselves and dependent on God. It is a blight on our culture today.

Parents just cannot stand to see their children struggle or watch their grandchildren go without. Their children are not responsible and don’t have to grow up to take responsibility for their lives, because mom and dad are always available to make sure they can make it. We even hear some parents complain that their children don’t get it and not understand why their children continue to make poor choices. They don’t have to get it and don’t have to make good choices – it always gets fixed for them!

So here I am, the bad guy, telling parents to cut their children loose. Guess what folks? Sooner or later it will happen. You will die and your irresponsible children will burn through the inheritance you leave faster than your body can get cold, and then what will they do? Find someone else to take care of them? Depend on the government so the rest of us have to pay because you wouldn’t say no? I’m sorry to be blunt about this, but folks, responsible parenting means that we train our children to be responsible adults, dependent on God for their sustenance. It is not easy to say no to your children, but is never too late to being helping them learn to be responsible for themselves. Set healthy boundaries; don’t bail them out. Say no – it may save their lives.

The Travesty of Another High-Profile Christian Getting Divorced

Russell Wilson, the Christian quarterback of the Seattle Seahawks announced recently that he and his wife of two years are divorcing and that he would appreciate “prayers and understanding and privacy during this difficult time.” The divorce saddens me and adds to my frustration with people who give up so easily on their marriages. Two years? They hardly even know each other! It’s like they said, ‘We tried this out, and it’s not working for us.’ What happened to their vows of ‘until death do us part?’ What happened to the commitment they made before God, family and friends?

On one of the blogs talking about this someone raised the ‘don’t judge, lest you be judged’ card. Another “reminded” Christians to not throw stones from glass houses. Another said, ‘hey, 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, what’s the big deal?’ Mr. Wilson proclaims to be a Christian and Galatians 6:1 does admonish us; “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.” Divorce is sin and it is not a private matter. The Seattle times stated that Russell Wilson might well be the most prominent citizen in Seattle. He’s demonstrating to those tens of thousands of kids (and adults) who look up to him that a promise, a commitment can be broken if it gets tough, if you just can’t work it out. What if he walked away from his contract with his team? The ‘judges’ would be out in force then!

 
There is a catch here that the media does not understand. Christian marriage is a covenant and not a contract. A covenant is unbreakable; the commitment is for life – period. Life might be tough for Mr. and Mrs. Wilson and things might not have gone the way they had planned – welcome to the real world. If he was injured in a game, he would do the work to heal and restore to get back into playing shape to fulfill his commitment to his team. Paul wrote in 1Corinthians 7:28 that those who marry would have trouble. It is a part of life! Everyone has problems in marriage – divorce is not the answer to pain and damage in marriage. Getting the help to heal and restore is the answer! Please Mr. Wilson, get the help to restore your marriage. Be a testimony that couples can work through their difficulties without calling it quits. You might want to check out the book Can My Marriage Be Saved?

Western vs Eastern Marriage

As I’ve studied marriage, not only the Bible, but in culture and history, it is interesting that while there are many differences and nuances to marriage around the world, there is a distinct difference between eastern and western marriages. Western marriage tends to be based on the individual and hence the “love marriage” idea prominent in western culture today. But more than the idea of having to fall in love with another person to marry him or her, it seems that western marriage tends to be the individual first – even before the marriage relationship. In contrast, eastern marriage tends to be centered on the family first. Arranged marriages are the norm and couples tend to follow the suggestions and even the edicts of their parents in regard to marriage.

I understand that not every western person puts the individual first and not every eastern person puts the family first, but I think everyone can agree that individual first or family first is the tendency for western and eastern marriages. So the question is, which one is Biblical or more Biblical? In reality, the answer is neither and both. There are Biblical examples of both western love marriages and eastern arranged marriages. The problem arises when the individual or the family is put first. Biblical marriage means that God is put first, not the individual or the family. Men and women are to leave their families and cleave to their spouses, not the family. Likewise, we see Biblically, that we are to humble ourselves and serve our spouses, the other is more important than the individual.

We need to move past our cultural and self-centered conceptions of marriage to the Biblical ideal of marriage. Marriage should be an earthly representation of the very nature of God. As we see Father – Son – Holy Spirit in the God-Head, we also see Husband – Wife – Children. There should be unity, community, singleness of purpose represented in the marriage relationship as we see in the very nature of our God. There should be no room for selfishness, self-centeredness, or the interference from outside forces in the marriage relationship. Love, compassion, grace and mercy should characterize the marriage relationship. Too often today, we Christian couples living out their lives and marriage relationship in other than Biblical ways – it is time to things God’s way instead of the individual’s way, the family’s way or the culture’s way.