The Battle of the Ages

God said that it was not good for man to be alone; he would create a helper suitable for him (Genesis 2:18). The creation of woman began the first human relationship and “naked and unashamed,” they were completely transparent and open with each other. Unfortunately, it didn’t last very long. The serpent came along, tempted Eve and mankind fell to sin; the rest is history as they say. Adam was right there with Eve during her interaction with serpent and Larry Crabb’s book, The Silence of Adam discusses males’ proclivity towards silence when they should speak up and/or their tendency to push their own agenda. Women tend to have their own agenda also and the war between men and women has been raging ever since.

Mankind’s fall to sin, the rejection of God’s plan affects every aspect of our lives. Blame, avoidance of responsibility and hiding feelings appeared very quickly as the woman blamed the serpent and the man blamed; not only the woman, but God for their poor decision. The “curse” – not God’s proclamation of the way things should be, but the consequences of the fall are what I call the Battle of the Ages – the battle between men and women, husbands and wives. The curse for the woman was that her desire would be for her husband and he would rule over her. For the man, the curse meant that he would have to toil for his food and only by hard work would he eat for all the days of his life. This brought about great tension between man and woman; the reaction has been for women to manipulate to get their way while men tend to push their agenda through intimidation and physical strength.

This not what God wanted, but what we too often see in relationships today. One does not have to look far to find disrespectful, manipulative, nagging women and/or domineering, stonewalling, disengaged men. It seems that the majority of marital relationships today are characterized by one or more of these attributes – it is the curse of sin – the selfishness that has plagued mankind throughout history. Marriage tends to be about what one’s spouse can do to make a person happy and take care of him or her, rather than the relationship of transparency, openness and giving that God meant it to be. What can you do to reflect more of God’s plan in your marriage today?

Marriage: a 100-0 Relationship

How often have you heard someone say, “Marriage is 50-50, we’ve got to give and take?” Or how about the speaker I heard admonishing men to make their marriage relationships 60-40 – ‘come on men, let’s give a little more than our wives!’? 60-40? What if Christ only gave 60% and expected us to give the other 40? Jesus gave all for our salvation – while we were yet sinners, he died for us. Jesus is our example of what it is to die to self – he said that ‘friends’ will give their lives for one another, just as he gave his life for us. According to the Gospel, our marriage relationship should be a 100-0 relationship, giving all as Christ gave all, dying to self as Christ died to self – without expectations!

Will we do this perfectly? No! We are not Christ, but if we aim at 60-40, we will be lucky to hit 40-60 (which is what we see a lot in marriage counseling – spouses trying to get their fair share). We are to imitate Christ and aim to give 100% - to completely humble ourselves and give without expectations. That is the way of the cross. I think of a quote I read and use a lo by Kenn Kington: “If you are looking for someone to meet your needs, make you happy, and make your life worthwhile, you will be greatly disappointed, quickly discouraged, and basically unhappy the rest of your life. But, if you will just be the person God has made you to be, and find out how you can give your life to someone else by meeting their needs and making them happy, you will discover fulfillment, joy, and peace in ways you can’t even imagine.” Wow! That is what the Christian life is about – it is what marriage should be about – giving our lives to someone else.

I will tell you from experience that when I gave up trying to get my wife to make me happy and started to think about what I can do to make her happy, our marriage changed. Do I do this perfectly? No! But I do it better than I did 10 years ago, or 2 years ago, or 6 months ago – and I will tell you that I have experienced fulfillment, joy and peace in ways I couldn’t have imagined. Why do we have to be so concerned about what we are going to get? The Christian life should be about giving. Will you make a commitment to give and stop attempting to get your spouse to meet your needs and make you happy? Will you seek to be the person God made you to be and strive to meet your spouse’s needs and make him or her happy? Give 100% without expecting anything in return. The joy and peace of God is worth the effort!