Are You a New Creation?

     2 Corinthians 5:17 tells us: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” If a person is in Christ, they are a new creation – the old is gone. The question has to be asked of those who claim Christ as their Savior, are you a new creation? Is the old gone – that old life of selfishness, continual sin, and living for self, rather than for others? An observation of 37 years of living life around “Christians” is that for most, Christ is an “add-on” to their lives, not an integral part of their lives. They may go to church on Sundays, they may pray at meals, and they may even go to a Bible study or serve in ministry, but their lives do not demonstrate anything different than a somewhat sanitized version of the non-Christian life. Some put on the church face outside the home, but their home life is one of sin, spousal or child abuse, or drug or alcohol abuse.

     The New Testament tells the stories of people that accepted Christ and became new creations in Him. Paul when from a persecutor and killer of Christians to the chief proponent of Christ – giving up a life of privilege to travel the known world preaching the Gospel. There were the Bereans who “examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true.” (Acts 17:11) Acts 4 relates that all the believers were one in heart and mind. They carried each other’s burdens and helped one another - there were no needy persons among them. Stephen forgave those who stoned him to death for his faith in Christ. (Acts 7:60) The Apostles gave up everything they had to follow Jesus (Mark 10). Paul commended the Corinthians for their generous giving in 2 Corinthians 9.

     The New Testament Christians weren’t perfect and we aren’t going to be perfect either, but there was a difference between the New Testament Christians and the pagans who lived around them. Is there a difference between you and the pagans (non-Christians) who live around you? Is your life consumed with materialist things? Are you striving to get ahead more than you are striving to live a life for Christ? The Fruit of the Spirit is not a list of things to live up to, but an assessment of where we are in our walk with Christ. Love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control should characterize the new creation in Christ. Do they characterize you? Peter wrote that Christians are to be holy because God is holy – holy is to be set apart – different. It is living as a new creation.

Repentance: the act of sincerely apologizing for one’s actions or words

     People often talk about forgiveness in marriage - the need for husbands and wife to be good forgivers. But what about the need for repentance? The need for us as people prone to sin against the person we love most to turn from our sin and genuinely and humbly apologize - taking responsibility for our sin against our spouse? I think too little is said about this aspect of the marriage relationship. Jesus told people to repent, to turn from their sin and said, “I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.” (Luke 5:32) As one person has said, Christians are called to be experts in repentance.

     The act of sincerely apologizing for our actions or words first involves taking responsibility for those actions or words. It is not justifying, defending, or minimizing the wrong we have done to our spouse. Our wrong may something minor like stepping on their toe; just because we didn’t mean to, doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt them. We acknowledge the office; “hey, I stepped on your toe, I am sorry, are you OK?” Yet, too often we expect our spouse to just get over it. That can extend into areas of greater hurt and pain; breaking trust or saying something very hurtful. It may take longer to repair the breech in the relationship in these instances and can begin when their is repentance.

     I have to confess that this has been something very difficult for me. I didn’t deal with hurt well earlier in our marriage. I would tell my wife “sorry” for some wrong she confronted me with and when she didn’t let it go right away, I would get angry and say, “I told you I was sorry, what else do you want from me!” Well, repentance would have been nice! I could have validated her feelings, acknowledged the hurt and the genuinely said I was sorry, instead using “I’m sorry to get her off my back. This may seem monumental to address every hurt we cause each other and we have people in counseling tell us that they shouldn’t have to stop and deal with all the little hurts caused each day. Folks, those little hurts cause damage and over time, it can build into something huge! And yes, it does seem monumental at first, but once we are in the habit of repentance and addressing hurts in a healthy way, it gets much easier.

     Today, it is much easier to address the hurts I cause my wife - and her with me - because we have integrated  a healthy repentance into our daily lives. We challenge you to do the work to make repentance an integral part of your marriage relationship also. If you, like I was, have problems responding to the hurt of your spouse in healthy ways, get help! See a pastor, counselor, or mature Christian who can help you or contact us. Couples in  growing, mature marriages take responsibility for their actions and words, even if they don’t think they were hurtful. If you spouse is hurt, humble yourself and address that hurt in a healthy way - be willing to repent!

Desire: to wish or long for; crave, want

     What do you wish for? Or long for? Is it happiness? A new car? A house in the country? Retirement? The Song of Songs records the love story of Solomon and his wife. Song 7:10 says: “I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me.” The Hebrew word for desire is that longing or a stretching out after. God’s plan for us is that we would first desire the things of God; but then to desire, to long for our spouse. This isn’t something only for the young love of our youth, but it should be a part of the marriage relationship for life! Proverbs 5 says; “may you rejoice in the wife of your youth… may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

     Desire isn’t a passing feeling or something we have or don’t have. It is a choice we make; a choice of where we put our focus. Too many of us are focused on stuff - material things that won’t mean anything in our old age. Or perhaps it is Facebook and being “connected” with others. Or online games. More couples are coming for counseling with one (usually the husband) more focused on games and their online “friends” than their spouse. The Word of God tells us that where our focus is, our heart will be also. The online or materialistic stuff will not last like a strong healthy marriage. All of that won’t help when you suffer cancer or other serious medical condition. Facebook and online games won’t keep you company in your old age and you can’t see the screen any longer.

     A healthy marriage relationship has to be cultivated, to be built up over time. It requires time and work; but most of all, it required focus. Where is your focus? Yes, you may have to work, take care of children, and maintain a home - we are all busy. You can fulfill your responsibilities and still focus on your spouse. Do you crave or want time with your spouse? Do you desire to be with him or her? Choose to long for your spouse. Think about him or her, day-dream about them, plan to have time with them. Make a call during the day, text, or send a card to let him or her know that you are thinking of them. Read the Song of Songs alone or together. Consider the longing Solomon and his wife had for each other. It’s not some fairy-tale romance, it is poetry written about their true love for each other. What will you do to express your desire for your spouse?

Work: Something a Person Has to Do

     Work for man-kind began even before the fall - God created man and woman to rule over the animals and take care of the garden. The fall brought the curse and work became difficult; not only for the basics, such as feeding themselves and bearing children, but also in their relationships. Before the fall, man didn’t have to worry about food, after the fall - it became arduous work to gather food. Before the fall, relationships were easy - both with God and each other; after the fall, relationships became difficult and required work.

     As much as couples hate to hear it, every marriage requires work. There are things husbands and wives have to do to build healthy relationships. Naturally, without work or effort, a marriage will fall apart. It could be a law of the universe; ‘healthy, vibrant, mutually edifying relationships, require work.’ Of the couples who come to us for counseling; those who do the work, change, grow, and see their relationship become strong and healthy. We usually see failure of the marriage when a couple doesn’t do the work.

     You must be willing to talk and work through problems you experience. You have to learn and use healthy communication principles to strengthen your marriage. You have to develop healthy boundaries and implement them into your life and marriage. You must be willing and then put the effort into connecting with your spouse and growing together. Is it difficult? At first, but it gets easier as you continue to give of yourself and seek to build relationship. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it also does not take a long time to begin seeing change and growth.

     Great achievements aren’t always accomplished by the person with the most talent, ability, education, or money. Great achievements are accomplished by those who do not give up and are willing to change and make things work one way or another. Do you want a better marriage? A successful marriage? An incredible marriage beneficial to both you and your spouse? Work at it! Put the effort into developing the skills and abilities needed for a healthy marriage - it is something you have to do!