Selfless vs Selfish

Our culture today seems to be more concerned with one’s rights than doing what is right. People tend to think that selflessness means giving up their rights and the pursuit of one’s own good as the highest of pursuits. One might think that people are confused; that the culture has blinded them to the blessings of selflessness, but the selfishness we see today has been the struggle of mankind since the beginning and it is ingrained into the American psyche. The pursuit of happiness was considered an unalienable right in the Declaration of Independence; people’s right to happiness has become more important that the Biblical concept of dying to self and putting others first.

The media, books, movies, advertisements, even some pastors promote the idea of “me first.” Of course no one would say they are promoting “me first” or selfish thinking, but in fact, they are. People deserve happiness, so, rather than work on a marriage that is floundering, they walk away to pursue their happiness. People are so wrapped up in what they want and need or what their spouses are not giving them that they fail to see their own shortcomings. People will do all sorts of selfish things without calling it what it is; they may use boundaries to get their way or to avoid doing things they don’t want to do or they will manipulate in a variety of ways. Selfishness doesn’t have to be learned, children display selfishness at a very young age. It is something that must be kept in check; we cannot allow it to creep into our lives.

Selflessness doesn’t come naturally; we must cultivate in ourselves and in our children. It is a matter of dying to self and submitting to God. Selflessness does not mean that we have no boundaries or give in to anything anyone else wants. We have to walk the fine line between serving and being subservient. We are to give of ourselves, not be doormats for people to walk all over. The Bible tells says that in humility, we are to consider others better than ourselves. We should not only look to our own interests, but also to the interest of others (Philippians 2:3-8). Selflessness means that we humble and available to help others in need; to be the hands and feet of Christ in this world. Do you consider your spouse first before yourself? Can you truly say you put him or her first? Die to self, put your spouse first; I think you will find the results fulfilling in ways you couldn’t have even imagined.

Joy vs Happiness

Too often people rate their marriage by the happiness they feel. If they are happy; i.e. needs met, feeling fulfilled, spouse is good to him or her, no major problems in life, then the marriage is good. There are a couple of problems with this line of thought. One, it is not Biblical and two, it is not realistic. Happiness; the pleasure, gladness or being favored by good fortune is a product of one’s circumstances. People are happy when life is good and things are going well. Yet, Jesus told us in John 16:33 that in this world we would have trouble. This is one promise we don’t cling to, but it is a reality of life. When people judge their lives by their feelings of happiness, they are headed for disappointment.

Jesus didn’t stop at the statement that we would have trouble in this world, He went on to state that we take heart because He has overcome the world. This is where joy comes in. Joy, the pleasant feelings of contentment is not based on circumstances, but on where our heart is. It is counted as a Fruit of the Spirit; something comes from within when we are right with God. It is not dependent on circumstances, but on our heart. One writer wrote that ‘if happiness is the hand reaching out to take what is desires, joy is the hand that caresses, consoles, and gives.” Happiness is about receiving, joy is about giving.

Do you want joy in your marriage? Or happiness? If you are searching for happiness, you may find it on occasion, but you will tend to be frustrated and disappointed with your spouse and with life in general. Your spouse will fail you, perhaps occasionally, or in the case of selfish, self-centered people, on a daily basis. If you look past the pursuit of happiness and look to the Lord for joy, you will find it, because joy arises out of your contentment and giving. It is not necessarily easy, but if you sincerely pursue a close, vibrant walk with the Lord, joy will follow. Like Paul, can you say that you are content whatever the circumstances (Phil. 4:11)? Think about the excellent and praiseworthy things, rather than the negatives or your life or of those around you. Bring joy to your marriage.

Responsive vs Reactive

Couples get into trouble when they react to each other rather than respond. How often have you wondered what happened when you or your spouse brought up an issue and 90 seconds later you are in a heated argument? We’ve experienced it in our own marriage and seen it happen many times in counseling. One spouse brings something up, the other reacts, the first reacts to the reaction and they are off and running in an argument that may last for days. Many times, the issue is forgotten and the couple argues about their reactions to each other. We have got to slow down and become responsive rather than reactive in our communication, not only with our spouse, but with others as well.

Responding means that one makes a reply or answers; the connotation is that there is thought given to the reply. Reacting is a response under the influence of a stimulus or prompting. One author noted that reactions are usually driven by unresolved past experiences. An example of a reaction is: a husband has often criticized in the past so when the wife made a mistake with the checkbook and her husband started say something about the mistake she reacted angrily about him always criticizing her. They weren’t able to address the problem with the checkbook, because they argued about his criticism and her angry reaction. Reacting is automatic and based on past (usually negative experiences) and almost always injures the relationship. A response is made after giving thought to what a person will say.

Problems will come up and must be addressed in relationships. Healthy marriages deal with problems in healthy ways and responding will build the relationship, while reacting with usually break down the relationship. It is not easy, but necessary, especially if a couple is attempting to break out of unhealthy relationship patterns. If it seems that your spouse is criticizing, putting you down, or acting in a controlling way, ask him or her if that is what he means. Do not assume you know where your spouse is coming from when he makes a comment or statement. Even if she is criticizing you, you don’t have to react to the situation. Remain calm and seek to find a resolution rather than engaging in an argument.

Patience vs. Passivity

Patience, often meaning “longsuffering” is a great quality and even listed as an attribute of the “Fruit of the Spirit” in Galatians chapter 5. This patience (or tolerance of others) is a great asset in marriage helping couples accept their differences and work together to resolve the problems they face in life. We can also think of this as “contentment” – being content where we are at rather than constantly looking for something more or something better. One writer defined patience as a ‘conscious decision to accept one’s place in the world, to recognize his or her limitations as well as the weaknesses of others, and to live in a state of calm readiness.’ It is not waiting for life to happen, but accepting the inconveniences and annoyances of life with humility and gentleness.

Passivity on the other hand is the lack of will; allowing outside influences to guide and shape a person, refusing to make decisions and giving into being taken care of while showing a lack of regard for others’ needs. The patient person cares about others and gives them grace. The passive person might appear to care about what others think, but in reality, cares only about him or herself. A passive person may tell others to be patient and that he is just an easy-going, laid-back person, but often uses his so-called patience as a cover for his lack of will and even as a way to control others. Passivity masked as patience leaves the work of life and relationship to the other person and injures, even kills relationships.

The question is; are you patient or are you passive? The passive person always looks for the better life, but rarely has the will to doing anything to make his or her life better. Problems are always about someone or something else, spouse, employer, circumstances – there is always something that keeps the passive person from accomplishing goals. The patient person is content, but also works toward goals. This person has healthy boundaries, accepting ownership of what is his and taking responsibility for his behavior. He changes what he can and leaves the rest to God. Healthy, productive relationships require patient people. Be a patient person.