Conflict: A state of divergent views, wants, or desires between two or more people.

     Conflict in marriage is inevitable; husbands and wives are just too different. Too often, conflict between husband and wife is hurtful and breaks down the relationship rather than build it up. Friends, this should not be! Healthy conflict resolution is possible, but successfully working through conflict involves 4 levels:

     1. Biblical Ideals: Dying to self, living for others, having an attitude of humility.

     2. An Attitude of Collaboration: Working together to achieve a common goal; as Dr. Tim Kimmel wrote,“The goal of discussion should always be unity, never victory.”

     3. Principles of Healthy Communication: There are principles by which we can keep every conversation or conflict healthy such as; no “I” statements, no attacking, listen before responding, etc…

     4. Using Communication Tools: There are many great communication tools to help couples work through any conflict. Discover, learn, and use one or more of the tools. 

     Paul wrote: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29) When those divergent or different views, wants, or desires come up, we must remain calm and seek to resolve that conflict in ways that will build up the relationship, rather than tear it down. Conflict may be inevitable, but hurt does not have to come from the disagreement. Use the resources below to help improve your communication.

Humility: Free from arrogance and pride - putting others first.

     The biggest problem in marriage is not finances, communication, or sex; it is pride - the absence of humility. The Apostle Paul wrote, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves (Phil 2:4). Yet, too many Christians do not act with humility. They may speak words of humility, but their behavior does not demonstrate it. The me first culture, taking care of self before others is alive and well in the church. Few couples think of humility as an important aspect of a strong, healthy marriage, but it is.

     Humility in marriage means that we are to put our spouse first, not in a co-dependent, subservient way, but in a loving and kind way. We are to treat him or her with respect and honor, even if we must address issues. Humility means that we don’t demand our own way, get defensive when our spouse brings up an issue with us, or treat our spouse disrespectfully when they don’t do something the way we think it should be done. It means that we desire the best for our spouse no matter what.

     Folks, we have to start looking more like our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and less like the world. We must get rid of our attitudes of entitlement - our attitudes of self-importance. We must listen to understand our spouse, rather than reacting negatively to every perceived wrong. Do your words and actions demonstrate humility or pride. Honestly examine yourself and how you react or respond to your spouse.