Marriage: The Union of Two Fallen Humans

People usually marry expecting that their spouses will never sin against them. It may not be a conscious expectation, but there is the expectation that, “if you love me, you will never wrong me.” This of course does not fit with Romans 3:23 (all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God) and 1 John 1:8 (if we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves…). We live in a broken and sinful world and have a propensity for sin ourselves. Selfishness comes naturally for us and all too quickly, we can fall back into poor behavior that negatively affects our relationship. Yes, we should not sin against or hurt our spouse, but we do.

Ruth Graham once said that, “a happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” Forgiveness must be a part of our marriage relationship. It is required. Jesus stated that if we do not forgive others their sins, our sins will not be forgiven (Matthew 6:15). Couples begin moving apart when unforgiveness and bitterness set in and if not checked, this will lead to separation. Oneness and continued growth in the relationship necessitates moving toward one another and forgiveness restores the relationship when husband or wife has been wronged. The majority of serious marital problems are not caused by one catastrophic sin, but the accumulation of small problems not forgiven.

So, what are we to do? First, we must realize that neither of us are perfect. We are both human beings prone to sin. Second, we need to be willing to ask for forgiveness and give forgiveness when hurt happens in the marriage relationship. Colossians 3:12-14 is a great passage to live by: “Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” After 30 years of marriage, I can tell you it does get easier, but you must continue to work at it.

Sacrificial Love

Christmas: a time when; retailers hope to ring in great sales, non-profits hope gain donations, kids hope to receive all the toys they want, adults hope to receive the things (or thing) they want, and now, a time when many Christians are calling for the restoration of Christ to Christmas. Of course, what they mean by restoration is different for each person. An now we have the Christmas wars; secularists and atheists attempting to remove all displays of Christmas from public view, the changing of Christmas to the Holiday Season, and Christians fighting back to keep the holiday intact. Peace and goodwill to all men? In addition to the public arguments, people are fighting in stores for toys and screaming at others in the parking lot because they took their parking space. What a disaster Christmas has become! Hmmm, perhaps that is exactly what the Enemy wants.

God gave His Son that whoever believes in Him will have eternal life. Jesus came into the world lived as a man, and died on a cross that mankind might be reconciled with God. We cannot comprehend the sacrificial love of Christ; if we even attempted, we would be celebrating Christ’s great love for us, not deciding how we are going to pay for all the stuff we have to buy as Christmas presents. Folks, it is not about getting Christ back into Christmas, it is about getting Christ back into our lives! The Bible points out clearly that our lives are not to be about possessions, but about love; love for God and love for others. The Word of God goes as far to suggest that anyone who does not love his brother is a child of devil! (1John 3:10) We know love is by what Jesus Christ has done; that he laid down His life for us. Again, from 1 John 3; “If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?” (verse 17) People will know us as Christ’s disciples if we have love for one another (John 13:35). As Christians we are to live out Christ’s sacrificial love.

What are we to do in this Christmas season? We are live out the Christianity that should be evident every day of our lives; living in peace with one another (Romans 12:18), giving generously (1 Corinthians 9:6-7), loving our neighbor (Matthew 22:39), proclaiming the birth of the Savior (Luke 2:11) and making disciples (Matthew 28:19). Where should this begin? In our own homes, then in our churches, our communities; the nation will change when we, as God’s people, humble ourselves, pray and seek God’s face. We need to celebrate Christmas every day of the year – Christ has come and given the ultimate gift, the gift of life as He sacrificed Himself for us. This is the good news of the Gospel. In God’s power, we can live out the Gospel and make a difference in this world.

Care vs. Candor

John Maxwell wrote about the need for balance between care and candor in his book, The Five Levels of Leadership. He wrote about this in the context of leadership in a business environment, but the concept also applies to our marriage and family relationships. Mr. Maxwell stated that, “Care without candor creates dysfunctional relationships. Candor without care creates distant relationships.” We often see dysfunctional or distant relationships in our counseling and have experienced the fact that out of balance either will hurt and possibly destroy relationships. Care defined is the concern or worry for another, while candor is frank or open expression. It is the balance of the two that helps bring about healthy relationships.

We need this balance in our marriage relationship, but also in our relationships with children, parents, friends, really, anyone we experience relationship with. Maxwell stated that, “caring establishes the relationship while candor expands the relationship.” Any person I am in relationship with first must know that I care for him or her or there will be no relationship. Yet, at the same time, our relationship will not grow without candor, the ability to speak truth openly and honestly. Continued growth in the relationship requires this balance of both care and candor.

Another aspect of this concept is the fact that usually, one spouse will tend to be more caring, while the other will tend to be more candid. This can be a source of pain and hurt if we do not achieve a balance between care and candor in the marriage relationship. The relationship will not survive without the balance and it is incumbent on each spouse to learn from the other and be willing to grow and change in whichever area he or she is weaker in. By working together as husband and wife, we can better achieve this balance between care and candor, not only in our marriage relationship, but also in our other relationships.

All Marriages Are Unique

If asked, we all would say, ‘yes, all marriages are unique,’ but if we believe this to be true, why do we pronounce some marriages good, some bad, and why do we all have our own view of what a successful marriage looks like? What about the “traditional” marriage, so many long for? We tend to use our beliefs about marriage to judge other marriages and their health. Yes, there are guidelines for marriage – the Bible provides everything we need for successful marriages, but each marriage is unique and very different. When we marry, we merge two completely different people with very different family backgrounds. We need to use our individual strengths and abilities to create a marriage that works for us a couple.

There are a lot of misconceptions about marriage; the idea that the husband leaves home in the morning; works all day and then comes home to put his feet up, while the wife, who has worked all day dealing with children and a myriad of other tasks, serves him in his favorite lounge chair. This is what is known as the “traditional” marriage and while it only really existed in the 1950s and 60s; many people hold it up as the ideal in marriage. The problem is that it is not biblical. The biblical marriage is one in which the couple works together in all areas of life; they do what it takes to complete the tasks required each day. They are supposed to be a team!

I think of Billy and Ruth Graham. The ministry of evangelism, his “job” per se, consumed much of his time, and while Ruth may have been more involved caring for their children, she was an integral part of his ministry. After Ruth’s death, Billy stated that; “She was a vital and integral part of our ministry, and my work through the years would have been impossible without her encouragement and support." When Billy was home from the “ministry,” he was very involved in the family. They were a team working together and while their circumstances and lives were much different than yours or mine, we can learn from Billy and Ruth as we seek to build our own strong, healthy marriages that will uniquely glorify Christ.