Responsive vs Reactive

Couples get into trouble when they react to each other rather than respond. How often have you wondered what happened when you or your spouse brought up an issue and 90 seconds later you are in a heated argument? We’ve experienced it in our own marriage and seen it happen many times in counseling. One spouse brings something up, the other reacts, the first reacts to the reaction and they are off and running in an argument that may last for days. Many times, the issue is forgotten and the couple argues about their reactions to each other. We have got to slow down and become responsive rather than reactive in our communication, not only with our spouse, but with others as well.

Responding means that one makes a reply or answers; the connotation is that there is thought given to the reply. Reacting is a response under the influence of a stimulus or prompting. One author noted that reactions are usually driven by unresolved past experiences. An example of a reaction is: a husband has often criticized in the past so when the wife made a mistake with the checkbook and her husband started say something about the mistake she reacted angrily about him always criticizing her. They weren’t able to address the problem with the checkbook, because they argued about his criticism and her angry reaction. Reacting is automatic and based on past (usually negative experiences) and almost always injures the relationship. A response is made after giving thought to what a person will say.

Problems will come up and must be addressed in relationships. Healthy marriages deal with problems in healthy ways and responding will build the relationship, while reacting with usually break down the relationship. It is not easy, but necessary, especially if a couple is attempting to break out of unhealthy relationship patterns. If it seems that your spouse is criticizing, putting you down, or acting in a controlling way, ask him or her if that is what he means. Do not assume you know where your spouse is coming from when he makes a comment or statement. Even if she is criticizing you, you don’t have to react to the situation. Remain calm and seek to find a resolution rather than engaging in an argument.