Technology: Relationship Enhancement or Hindrance?

     Technology has made communication with the people in our lives easier in many ways, allowing us to connect more frequently and at greater distances. But research has found that this connection comes at a cost. While people are communicating and staying “in touch” more through the variety of technological advancements, they are communicating more superficially and less intimately. Face to face conversation is much of what makes us human and as we rely more on snippets of information and photos through Instagram, Facebook, and texting, there tends to be a loss of empathic connection - a loss of intimacy.

      Researcher Sherry Turkle wrote, “We don’t have to give up our phones, but we have to use them more deliberately.” Her studies have found that, “without conversation, we are less empathic, less connected, less creative, and less fulfilled.” Technology can be a relationship enhancement, allowing us to remain connected with our spouse throughout the day. It also can be a hindrance when couples give up open, transparent conversation for superficial technology based connection. Many people believe that if they are always connected, they will be less lonely, but the research shows that without face to face conversation, people are actually more lonely. Intimacy requires time together, communicating.

     What do you think? Is technology an enhancement or a hindrance to healthy relationships? Post your thoughts...

What Effect Has the Resurrection Had on Your Marriage?

Jesus Christ died for the sins of mankind and on the third day, rose again; the resurrection of Christ from the dead is central to Christianity. If Jesus died and did not rise, Paul wrote that our faith would be useless. (1Cor. 15:14) We believe in Jesus and are saved, we believe He died on the cross and believe that He rose from the dead; what does that mean to our marriage? We are promised life eternal with Christ; the Spirit of God who raised Jesus from the dead will also give life to us. (Rom. 8:4) It is by God’s grace we have this promise. There is nothing we can do to earn salvation. We deserve damnation and the fires of hell, but because of Christ has done for us, we have the promise of eternal life.

The resurrection – the grace we have received should affect our marriage! Jesus gave His life for us, how much are we willing to give for our spouse? We are secure in our relationship with God, again, not by what we have done, but what He has done. Is our spouse secure in his or her relationship with us? Are we committed to the marriage as long as our spouse meets our needs, takes care of us, and makes us happy? Or do we have a true commitment to our spouse; for life, no matter what? We don’t earn God’s grace, but do we expect our spouse to earn our grace? Do we withhold love because they don’t love us as we think they should? Do we withhold respect because they haven’t earned it? Folks, we have freely received, we are to freely give!

Life is difficult, I understand that. Jesus told us life wouldn’t be easy; John 16:33 records Jesus saying, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” We live in a broken world, but that doesn’t give us license to withhold grace or be critical and judgmental. Jesus overcame death, He overcame the world; we have everything we need for life and godliness. (2Pet. 1:3) His divine power allows us to extend grace to our spouse; to love our spouse even when he or she does not deserve it. Let you conversation always be full of grace, give of yourself for your spouse, demonstrate the power of the resurrection by dying to self and loving for your spouse in such a way the world will have to notice. Treating him or her with love, respect, honor – cherishing your spouse and extending grace each and every day.

The 100-0 Marriage

       The marriage relationship should be a 100-0 relationship. It is a matter of giving everything and expecting nothing in return. Jesus gave everything for mankind without any expectation and Christians are also to give everything for their spouse. Ephesians 5:1-2, John 15:12-14 and other Scriptures bear this truth out. Yes, if one person gives all and the other never gives anything in return, that is a problem. And no, we are not talking about allowing abuse or sin or inappropriate behavior. But what would happen if I just stopped focusing on all those things about my spouse that bother me and focus on meeting his or her needs and making them happy? What if I just dropped the expectations and sought only the best for my spouse? What if husbands and wives sought to win their spouse without a word (1Peter 3:1-2) - to serve and love their spouse unconditionally?  What a concept! To love each other as Christ would want us to - yet, too often, in counseling, I have to try to persuade people to die to self and just love their spouse without expectations. The Christian marriage is a covenantal relationship. A relationship in which each spouse fulfills his or her responsibilities even if the other does not. 

Peace in Your Relationships

Jesus Christ came that we might have peace; the Prince of Peace brings peace in three ways:

Peace with God – a lack of enmity or hostility with Him. Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have PEACE with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Romans 5:1

Peace in the world – tranquility in spite of the problems. I have told you these things, so that in me you may have PEACE. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33

Peace with people – not only a lack of hostility with others, but a harmony with people. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at PEACE with everyone. Romans 12:18

It all begins with peace with God. Peace in the world won’t happen without peace with God and when we don’t have peace with God or in the world, peace with others will be difficult. Psalms 119:165 tells us, Great PEACE have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble. When we love the Lord our God with all our heart, mind and soul, the things others do should not cause us to stumble – to make us do ungodly things. Too often, that is not the case; we react in anger when we are offended. Brothers and sisters this should not be. We must live out our Christianity, allowing God’s peace to rule, rather than the flesh. Philippians 4 reminds us that when we are focused on the Lord and giving everything to Him, the PEACE of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Boundaries in Marriage

Boundaries can be especially confusing in the marriage relationship. The ideas of oneness, loving as Christ loved, giving of self, and submission seem to argue against boundaries. Yet, the concept of boundaries does not refute these ideas and actually works to increase their effectiveness in marriage. Lack of boundaries is a major problem in marriages. A husband or wife may suffer through the problems of the spouse until they have had enough and then leave the marriage. They think freedom from their spouse’s problems means freedom from their spouse. Yet, very often they have contributed to their spouse’s problems by never setting healthy boundaries that would allow the Lord to work in their spouse’s life.

A healthy marriage relationship takes the work of two people. One can only do his part in the relationship; the rest must be left up to the Lord. Setting boundaries to change a spouse will not work, that is manipulation. Setting impossibly difficult boundaries will drive a spouse away rather than help build a healthy relationship. Husbands and wives do many things to injure and even destroy their marriage relationship, but it does not have to be this way. Healthy boundaries are a cornerstone of a healthy, fortified marriage that will grow and flourish.

Christmas is About

Many today say that we are in the midst of the “Culture Wars.” It boils down to two sides; one side says that those “Christian fanatics” attempt to shape the world into their narrow-minded, bigoted view. While the Christians argue that the “other side” seeks to remove any and all vestiges of God from a nation built on a godly foundation. One problem is that there are not just two sides; we only see the extremes in the media and think that this is what the “war” is all about. There are as many views about this issue as there are people who think about it – unfortunately, the vast majority don’t think about it and only go along with the popular view of the day.

Christmas is one of those battles of the culture wars. Again, we tend to only see the extremes, and the majority cruises along going with the flow, not considering that perhaps, they should search out the information and make a decision for themselves. Interestingly, there are two polar opposites who say that Christmas should not be celebrated at all. The anti-God crowd who don’t seem to want to be reminded that they are anti-God and those who believe that the Christmas celebrated today is only a pagan holiday. In between, we have the Christmas is about the dollar folks who only see the financial rewards of celebrating Christmas and the “keep Christ in Christmas” crowd who want to use Christmas to evangelize and “reach” people for Christ.

But we have to ask the question: What is Christmas? The answer to that question doesn’t necessarily put you into one of the two extremist camps, but helps identify your world-view and provides the basis of how you will celebrate (or not celebrate) this holiday. Unfortunately, too many people only do what they have always done and although there might be slight changes, they basically view Christmas the way their family of origin viewed Christmas. I will say that if you believe Christmas is the celebration of the coming of the Savior, there should be some identifying marks to your celebration. In spite of the recent movie; Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas, a Christian celebration of Christmas should be more than trading the wealth of the family among each other. Christmas is really about you – what do you think about the Christ? Was he a good man? A prophet? A myth? A deceiver? Or was he what he claimed to be, God incarnate, the ONE who came to reconcile mankind to the God they rejected? Think about it!

Read more regarding what Christmas is about by going to this link: http://www.fortifiedmarriages.com/Images/Christmas%20Is%20about.pdf.

Financially Dependent Adult Children

There seems to be an epidemic of adult children depending on their parents to make it financially. Young men, perfectly able to work, playing computer games all night and sleeping all day while their parents support them. Or young women dependent on their parents because they continually make poor choices and often need to be bailed out.  There are many different expressions of this, but the bottom line is that adults today are too often dependent on their parents for financial survival and not responsible for themselves and dependent on God. It is a blight on our culture today.

Parents just cannot stand to see their children struggle or watch their grandchildren go without. Their children are not responsible and don’t have to grow up to take responsibility for their lives, because mom and dad are always available to make sure they can make it. We even hear some parents complain that their children don’t get it and not understand why their children continue to make poor choices. They don’t have to get it and don’t have to make good choices – it always gets fixed for them!

So here I am, the bad guy, telling parents to cut their children loose. Guess what folks? Sooner or later it will happen. You will die and your irresponsible children will burn through the inheritance you leave faster than your body can get cold, and then what will they do? Find someone else to take care of them? Depend on the government so the rest of us have to pay because you wouldn’t say no? I’m sorry to be blunt about this, but folks, responsible parenting means that we train our children to be responsible adults, dependent on God for their sustenance. It is not easy to say no to your children, but is never too late to being helping them learn to be responsible for themselves. Set healthy boundaries; don’t bail them out. Say no – it may save their lives.