Where is the Balance?!

I recently attended a marriage conference and a workshop speaker; a respected leader in the Christian marriage community stated, 'I know they (the words headship and submission) are in the Bible, but I throw them out.' I was shocked; I couldn't believe my ears! A leader in the Christian community stating that because he doesn't like certain words in the Bible, he throws them out? It seems to be incredible arrogance and audacity to make such a statement. I am still dumbfounded that he would publicly make this statement.

Yes, many have abused headship and submission to perpetrate injustice and sin, but that doesn't mean that we toss out the concepts and not pursue a Biblically balanced view of the concepts. So it begs the question; are husbands and wives equal; neither has authority over the other? Or is the husband the authority and the final say in the relationship? How does oneness fit into the discussion? Mutual submission? What about Galatians 3:28 and the seeming breaking of authority distinctions? I'll wait on my thoughts and comment back on this...

Married - For Better or Worse

It is a travesty that couples today marry too quickly without knowledge of who they are marrying or having a clue about what marriage really is. Commitment tends to be based on what a spouse can do for a person, rather than forming the basis of the marriage relationship. If a spouse sins against the other, doesn’t meet needs, doesn’t light up the others life, gets sick or in any other way doesn’t measure up; the thought is that it must be time for a divorce. It is horrible and really, quite maddening. People today, Christians, divorce for any and every reason and offer lame excuses and rationalization for why they commit sin by divorcing their spouses.

Do you know that 80% of couples who experience long-term illness in their marriage life divorce – it is a horrible, tragic consequence of this “me first” mentality that permeates our culture today. During one documentary, a wife of a cancer sufferer actually said that she wished her husband would just die if he was going to die, because she wasn’t getting any younger and with three sons, she would have a difficult time finding a new husband. What? It is one of the coldest, most callused remarks I think I have ever heard! It is appalling, but yet while others may not say the words, they live out the thoughts through their actions. What happened to the promise to love one another through sickness and health, for better or worse for life? Christians divorce their sick spouses and it is a shame on the church today! In another case, a pastor recommended divorce for a man whose wife was seriously ill and not able to care for herself. She was in a care facility and the thought was that there wasn’t anything else the husband could do, so he should just move on with his life. What about loving his wife until death do them part!?!

One couple I know has lived out this commitment through 48 years of marriage. Don and Peggy Marquard have suffered setbacks and dramatic life-changing events throughout their marriage. Peggy has suffered from Myasthenia Gravis, a life-threatening, debilitating disease for which there is no cure. They have endured many hardships throughout the 41 years she has had this terrible disease, but Don’s leaving the relationship was never considered. Peggy now has cancer that resulted from her disease, but to see them together is an incredible blessing. They have a peace and a joy about them that most “well” couples do not have! We need to see this kind of commitment in marriages today in the church! Then there will be testimony of what a marriage is like! You can read the complete article about Don and Peggy at http://www.fortifiedmarriages.com/For%20Better%20or%20Worse%20-%20Remaining%20Together%20When%20Life%20is%20Difficult%20by%20Chris%20Garner.pdf.

Selfishness Kills Marriages

Selfishness Kills Marriages

It is really amazing that people can be so selfish and self-centered. And Christians! There doesn’t seem to be much difference between Christians and non-Christians when it comes to selfishness. The culture today really has permeated the church; ‘life is about me and I’m going to do what makes me happy.’  This seems to be the motto of life for people today. The Word of God? People only take from it what they want and discard what doesn’t fit into their plan for their lives. People take and take and take, but only give out of their abundance. Give of themselves? When it is convenient and fits into their schedule.

In marriage it’s even worse – people remain in marriages as long as their spouses make them happy or don’t fail them in any way. It is a travesty that people divorce for any and every reason. They throw out Matthew 19, not only for adultery, but to justify their divorce as “Biblical” so they can go find their “true” soul mates. Somehow they skip the part about the ‘hardness of one’s heart’ being the true reason they want a divorce. So many people justify treating their spouse badly because of some faux pas the spouse made. Or for a sin confessed and repented of. Yes, hurt and sin need to be addressed, but once addressed it needs to be left alone! Quit being so self-centered!

OK, I’m melancholy today and on a rant of sorts. People, especially Christians, have got to quit being so selfish! Marriage is not about what I can get or should get or about my happiness. It is about giving to another person; loving one person (your spouse) so much that you would give him or her anything. It also would mean that you wouldn’t squawk or cry or throw a tantrum because he or she messed up. Galatians 6:1 says that those caught in sin are to be restored gently. I’d love to hear about someone doing that to their spouse. What a concept; to humbly go to your spouse and gently address the sin he or she committed. Can it be done? Sure if we do things God’s way and not our own selfish way. If we killed selfishness, marriages would survive and even thrive!

Who is the Provider?

A recent article in Time Magazine discussed the growth of female economic clout in the US today and suggested that “if people think differently about money, power and gender roles, everyone may come out ahead.” Many men today struggle to maintain steady, gainful employment and some wives have become the primary “breadwinner” and at times the husband has become the “house-husband,” remaining home to take care of home and children. We’ve been taught that the husband is to be the “provider” for the family; 1 Timothy 5:8 states that the person (inference is that it is the man) who does not provide for his family is worse than an unbeliever. Is it a problem Biblically if the man is not the financial provider for his family?

The “traditional” family roles had husband as the financial provider for his family, while the wife took care of the home… and everything else. As women entered the workforce, their expectation was that their duties at home would decrease with increased time outside the home. This didn’t happen and we saw stressed women attempting to cope with home and office duties and increased conflict between husband and wife. Many people from the “traditional” background advocate for women remaining home to care for children and household, but is it biblical? I think the “traditional” family is not biblical; the husband is to be the provider financially, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. Biblically, the husband should be intimately involved with his family not just the breadwinner. The good news is that Time reported that men have become significantly more hands-on in child rearing over the past generation – men are beginning to understand that there is more to being a husband and father than just bringing home a paycheck.

It has been said that the husband is the prophet, priest and king; the one who brings God’s truths and word to the family, the one who leads his family into God’s presence and the provider and protector of the family. Two or three thousand years ago – even 200 years ago, provision required the man’s strength and outdoor skill for the family to eat. Outdoor skills, at least in the US and Europe are rarely required for a family to eat today. But does that mean the husband cannot remain at home and be the provider while the wife uses her skills to provide financially for the family if that is what she wants? Does it upend biblical roles? I’m chewing on this – your input is welcome…

The Battle of the Ages

God said that it was not good for man to be alone; he would create a helper suitable for him (Genesis 2:18). The creation of woman began the first human relationship and “naked and unashamed,” they were completely transparent and open with each other. Unfortunately, it didn’t last very long. The serpent came along, tempted Eve and mankind fell to sin; the rest is history as they say. Adam was right there with Eve during her interaction with serpent and Larry Crabb’s book, The Silence of Adam discusses males’ proclivity towards silence when they should speak up and/or their tendency to push their own agenda. Women tend to have their own agenda also and the war between men and women has been raging ever since.

Mankind’s fall to sin, the rejection of God’s plan affects every aspect of our lives. Blame, avoidance of responsibility and hiding feelings appeared very quickly as the woman blamed the serpent and the man blamed; not only the woman, but God for their poor decision. The “curse” – not God’s proclamation of the way things should be, but the consequences of the fall are what I call the Battle of the Ages – the battle between men and women, husbands and wives. The curse for the woman was that her desire would be for her husband and he would rule over her. For the man, the curse meant that he would have to toil for his food and only by hard work would he eat for all the days of his life. This brought about great tension between man and woman; the reaction has been for women to manipulate to get their way while men tend to push their agenda through intimidation and physical strength.

This not what God wanted, but what we too often see in relationships today. One does not have to look far to find disrespectful, manipulative, nagging women and/or domineering, stonewalling, disengaged men. It seems that the majority of marital relationships today are characterized by one or more of these attributes – it is the curse of sin – the selfishness that has plagued mankind throughout history. Marriage tends to be about what one’s spouse can do to make a person happy and take care of him or her, rather than the relationship of transparency, openness and giving that God meant it to be. What can you do to reflect more of God’s plan in your marriage today?

Marriage: a 100-0 Relationship

How often have you heard someone say, “Marriage is 50-50, we’ve got to give and take?” Or how about the speaker I heard admonishing men to make their marriage relationships 60-40 – ‘come on men, let’s give a little more than our wives!’? 60-40? What if Christ only gave 60% and expected us to give the other 40? Jesus gave all for our salvation – while we were yet sinners, he died for us. Jesus is our example of what it is to die to self – he said that ‘friends’ will give their lives for one another, just as he gave his life for us. According to the Gospel, our marriage relationship should be a 100-0 relationship, giving all as Christ gave all, dying to self as Christ died to self – without expectations!

Will we do this perfectly? No! We are not Christ, but if we aim at 60-40, we will be lucky to hit 40-60 (which is what we see a lot in marriage counseling – spouses trying to get their fair share). We are to imitate Christ and aim to give 100% - to completely humble ourselves and give without expectations. That is the way of the cross. I think of a quote I read and use a lo by Kenn Kington: “If you are looking for someone to meet your needs, make you happy, and make your life worthwhile, you will be greatly disappointed, quickly discouraged, and basically unhappy the rest of your life. But, if you will just be the person God has made you to be, and find out how you can give your life to someone else by meeting their needs and making them happy, you will discover fulfillment, joy, and peace in ways you can’t even imagine.” Wow! That is what the Christian life is about – it is what marriage should be about – giving our lives to someone else.

I will tell you from experience that when I gave up trying to get my wife to make me happy and started to think about what I can do to make her happy, our marriage changed. Do I do this perfectly? No! But I do it better than I did 10 years ago, or 2 years ago, or 6 months ago – and I will tell you that I have experienced fulfillment, joy and peace in ways I couldn’t have imagined. Why do we have to be so concerned about what we are going to get? The Christian life should be about giving. Will you make a commitment to give and stop attempting to get your spouse to meet your needs and make you happy? Will you seek to be the person God made you to be and strive to meet your spouse’s needs and make him or her happy? Give 100% without expecting anything in return. The joy and peace of God is worth the effort!