Marriage: a 100-0 Relationship

How often have you heard someone say, “Marriage is 50-50, we’ve got to give and take?” Or how about the speaker I heard admonishing men to make their marriage relationships 60-40 – ‘come on men, let’s give a little more than our wives!’? 60-40? What if Christ only gave 60% and expected us to give the other 40? Jesus gave all for our salvation – while we were yet sinners, he died for us. Jesus is our example of what it is to die to self – he said that ‘friends’ will give their lives for one another, just as he gave his life for us. According to the Gospel, our marriage relationship should be a 100-0 relationship, giving all as Christ gave all, dying to self as Christ died to self – without expectations!

Will we do this perfectly? No! We are not Christ, but if we aim at 60-40, we will be lucky to hit 40-60 (which is what we see a lot in marriage counseling – spouses trying to get their fair share). We are to imitate Christ and aim to give 100% - to completely humble ourselves and give without expectations. That is the way of the cross. I think of a quote I read and use a lo by Kenn Kington: “If you are looking for someone to meet your needs, make you happy, and make your life worthwhile, you will be greatly disappointed, quickly discouraged, and basically unhappy the rest of your life. But, if you will just be the person God has made you to be, and find out how you can give your life to someone else by meeting their needs and making them happy, you will discover fulfillment, joy, and peace in ways you can’t even imagine.” Wow! That is what the Christian life is about – it is what marriage should be about – giving our lives to someone else.

I will tell you from experience that when I gave up trying to get my wife to make me happy and started to think about what I can do to make her happy, our marriage changed. Do I do this perfectly? No! But I do it better than I did 10 years ago, or 2 years ago, or 6 months ago – and I will tell you that I have experienced fulfillment, joy and peace in ways I couldn’t have imagined. Why do we have to be so concerned about what we are going to get? The Christian life should be about giving. Will you make a commitment to give and stop attempting to get your spouse to meet your needs and make you happy? Will you seek to be the person God made you to be and strive to meet your spouse’s needs and make him or her happy? Give 100% without expecting anything in return. The joy and peace of God is worth the effort!