Marriage: a 100-0 Relationship

How often have you heard someone say, “Marriage is 50-50, we’ve got to give and take?” Or how about the speaker I heard admonishing men to make their marriage relationships 60-40 – ‘come on men, let’s give a little more than our wives!’? 60-40? What if Christ only gave 60% and expected us to give the other 40? Jesus gave all for our salvation – while we were yet sinners, he died for us. Jesus is our example of what it is to die to self – he said that ‘friends’ will give their lives for one another, just as he gave his life for us. According to the Gospel, our marriage relationship should be a 100-0 relationship, giving all as Christ gave all, dying to self as Christ died to self – without expectations!

Will we do this perfectly? No! We are not Christ, but if we aim at 60-40, we will be lucky to hit 40-60 (which is what we see a lot in marriage counseling – spouses trying to get their fair share). We are to imitate Christ and aim to give 100% - to completely humble ourselves and give without expectations. That is the way of the cross. I think of a quote I read and use a lo by Kenn Kington: “If you are looking for someone to meet your needs, make you happy, and make your life worthwhile, you will be greatly disappointed, quickly discouraged, and basically unhappy the rest of your life. But, if you will just be the person God has made you to be, and find out how you can give your life to someone else by meeting their needs and making them happy, you will discover fulfillment, joy, and peace in ways you can’t even imagine.” Wow! That is what the Christian life is about – it is what marriage should be about – giving our lives to someone else.

I will tell you from experience that when I gave up trying to get my wife to make me happy and started to think about what I can do to make her happy, our marriage changed. Do I do this perfectly? No! But I do it better than I did 10 years ago, or 2 years ago, or 6 months ago – and I will tell you that I have experienced fulfillment, joy and peace in ways I couldn’t have imagined. Why do we have to be so concerned about what we are going to get? The Christian life should be about giving. Will you make a commitment to give and stop attempting to get your spouse to meet your needs and make you happy? Will you seek to be the person God made you to be and strive to meet your spouse’s needs and make him or her happy? Give 100% without expecting anything in return. The joy and peace of God is worth the effort!

Protecting Your Marriage

It is necessary to take steps to protect your marriage. We are dealing with several couples working through the sin of infidelity at different levels right now and it is difficult! It is not worth the pain you experience to go through the devastation of infidelity. Too many people say, ‘Oh, it could never happen to me – I would never commit adultery.’ We all are only a couple bad decisions away from making possibly the worst mistake of our lives. In today’s world of busy lives, disconnected spouses and abounding temptations, marriages must be protected.

During some research I discovered an article titled, The Science of Love which discussed how chemicals in the brain react to provide those “feelings” of love and bond humans together. The article reported a study in which a researcher asked people to: one, find a complete stranger; two, reveal intimate details about their lives to each other for thirty minutes; and three, then stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes without speaking. He found that many of these couples felt deeply attracted to each other after the 34 minute experiment. Two of his subjects later got married. Wow! In just 34 minutes, two complete strangers can become deeply attracted to each other! It is an amazing discovery.

There are three conclusions that come to mind regarding this research finding. First, a distant or distressed couple can positively change their relationship in 34 minutes. Second, 34 minutes can ruin a marriage and rip apart a family if the time is spent in the wrong place. Third, Christian singles and young people must be aware; spending time with non-Christians of the opposite gender is dangerous! The ‘we’re just friends,’ or ‘we’re just going on a date – not getting married’ argument does not work! In 34 minutes a bond can grow and either strengthen a godly relationship or lead you down the wrong path; we need to be on guard against falling into the trap of experiencing intimacy with the wrong person. Protect your marriage!

The Vow

We went to see the movie, The Vow yesterday and it was good, but not spectacular. The movie is about a young couple who fell in love, married, and then were in a serious car accident. When the wife came out of a coma, she had no memory of her husband. The husband worked to win his wife back and the movie ended with their relationship seemingly going in the right direction, but not yet back together. Before the credits there was a quick photo and text about the movie being based on a true story, which I had to check out.

My research found that the true story is a lot better than the edited version in the movie. The couple, Kim and Krickitt Carpenter married in 1993 and within 10 weeks of their wedding, they were in a very serious car accident, in which, Krickitt almost died. She survived, but when she came out of the coma, she had absolutely no memory of Kim, her husband, and to this day has lost all memory of two and half years of her life. The greatest omission of the movie is the Carpenter’s faith; devout Christians, they say it was their faith that kept them together through their terrible ordeal.

Rebuilding their relationship was difficult, although both tend to downplay the struggle. At one point, Kim thought their marriage would not work, but he wouldn’t give up; “I made a vow before God,” he explained, “until death do you part.” Krickett later said that, “I would love to say that I fell in love with him again because that’s what everybody wants to hear, but I chose to love him and that was based on obedience to God, not feelings… I chose to love him because I made a vow.” Their wedding vows kept them together when both found they were married to strangers – Krickett because she had no memory of her husband, Kim because the brain injury caused significant changes in the wife he had grown to love. It is a challenge to all of us to live out our wedding vows – until death does us part.

Keeping Romance Alive

Romance is critical to the marriage relationship, but too often couples neglect the romantic part of their relationship. It is important to keep romance alive in your relationship, but realizing that it will take some time and energy. There are several misconceptions about romance; romance is not a feeling, an emotion or contrary to what some “experts” have written, it is not a stage in marriage. Romance is sharing and giving of yourself – the little – and big – things you do to say, “I love you” and let your spouse know that he or she is special.

Two myths about romance pervade our culture today: first, that the feelings of love at the beginning of a relationship are romance. Some people are addicted to these feelings and jump from one relationship to another in an attempt to maintain the euphoria they feel during this period. Those “feelings” are the chemical reaction in the brain God put into humans so that we would bond and attach to one another. Couples need to move beyond this “enchantment” and toward maturity in their relationship. The second myth is similar in that many people believe that romance is a stage of marriage and mature love moves past it and gets on with life. There may be commitment, but there is no fire in the relationship and it is sad to see, because there can be so much more.

When a couple cultivates romance in their marriage, it builds intimacy and enhances their relationship. We may not experience the “feelings” of love every day, but with some creativity and a little work, the fire can keep burning. The Song of Solomon and Proverbs 5:18-19 speak to need for romance in marriage. There can be a desire for your spouse, but you must do something to cultivate it. Discover and speak your spouse’s love language, have a date night weekly, or at least once a month, do loving things for your spouse daily – be creative and have fun! Remember, babysitters are less expensive than marriage counselors.

Cows and Sheep

1 Corinthians 11:3 states that man is head of the woman. And in that line of thinking, it tells us that the wife is to submit to the husband. This certainly is true – but – and this is a huge exception – the man is ‘to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.’ Jesus is to be our model, our example.  How does He lead? As a shepherd leads his flock. We see the analogy of a shepherd and his flock throughout the Bible, and in the New Testament the analogy is used as a direct example of our relationship with Christ. He is the shepherd; we are the sheep. In this same way as we lead our family, we are to be the shepherd.

Sheep are led by a shepherd who cares for them and calls for them to follow him where he is going. Cows are driven by a cattle driver who pushes and yells at them to make them go where he wants them to go. Men who drive their wife and children may get the job done, but they won’t build good relationships with their families. Men who lead their wife and children will show the way by their consistency and encouragement. Jesus is the shepherd and He is our example. 

Men, think about how you want to be directed, by being pushed and prodded into doing what is right? Or by being led by example receiving encouragement along the way? Which way do you lead your family – as sheep or as cattle? Jesus demonstrated His headship by dieing for mankind. Are you willing to die to self to demonstrate your headship? Are you willing to be that example of commitment and faithfulness to your family? Are you willing to live the life you want your wife and children live?

Sacrifice

Third part of this series on sacrifice and submission: Today we discuss sacrifice. Sacrifice is not a popular term in today’s culture. Life in our culture tends to be about me; making me happy and fulfilling me – even in the Christian church! This is not the life taught by Jesus Christ. He taught what He lived out in His life on earth; a life of sacrifice, of giving, of serving, and of dying to self and putting others first. Christ sacrificed everything for us! He left the comfort and bliss of Heaven to enter into a sinful, dark, horrible world, walked the dusty, dirty roads of Judea enduring the scorn of the very people He came to save and then allowed Himself to be tried, derided and hung on a cross for our sins. That my friends, is sacrifice!

Christians are urged to offer our bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God (Romans 12:1). They are told to imitate God – loving as much as Christ loved and gave Himself up for us as a sacrifice (Ephesians 5:1-2). Christ is our model and we are to sacrifice ourselves and serve others, putting others first. It is not easy to do, but when we sacrifice, it is an incredible testimony to our Lord. The early church knew this well! People did not become Christians lightly in the first centuries of Christianity. People knew it would cost them in prestige and often monetarily, and it might even cost their life. We have lost this focus of sacrifice as a way of life.

While all Christians are to sacrifice, men are especially called to sacrifice themselves for their wives. Ephesians 5:25 states; “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” Not only did Christ die on the cross for the church, but we must remember that He also chose to leave the glory of Heaven and live as a human for 30 years knowing He was going to the cross. Men likewise are to sacrifice for their wives. They are to die to self and give themselves for their wives. Not abdicating leadership, but serving their wives, taking care of their wives, being concerned for their wives, seeking to meet their wives’ needs. If Christian husbands did just these three things, there would be some serious changes in marriages throughout the church.