Western vs Eastern Marriage

As I’ve studied marriage, not only the Bible, but in culture and history, it is interesting that while there are many differences and nuances to marriage around the world, there is a distinct difference between eastern and western marriages. Western marriage tends to be based on the individual and hence the “love marriage” idea prominent in western culture today. But more than the idea of having to fall in love with another person to marry him or her, it seems that western marriage tends to be the individual first – even before the marriage relationship. In contrast, eastern marriage tends to be centered on the family first. Arranged marriages are the norm and couples tend to follow the suggestions and even the edicts of their parents in regard to marriage.

I understand that not every western person puts the individual first and not every eastern person puts the family first, but I think everyone can agree that individual first or family first is the tendency for western and eastern marriages. So the question is, which one is Biblical or more Biblical? In reality, the answer is neither and both. There are Biblical examples of both western love marriages and eastern arranged marriages. The problem arises when the individual or the family is put first. Biblical marriage means that God is put first, not the individual or the family. Men and women are to leave their families and cleave to their spouses, not the family. Likewise, we see Biblically, that we are to humble ourselves and serve our spouses, the other is more important than the individual.

We need to move past our cultural and self-centered conceptions of marriage to the Biblical ideal of marriage. Marriage should be an earthly representation of the very nature of God. As we see Father – Son – Holy Spirit in the God-Head, we also see Husband – Wife – Children. There should be unity, community, singleness of purpose represented in the marriage relationship as we see in the very nature of our God. There should be no room for selfishness, self-centeredness, or the interference from outside forces in the marriage relationship. Love, compassion, grace and mercy should characterize the marriage relationship. Too often today, we Christian couples living out their lives and marriage relationship in other than Biblical ways – it is time to things God’s way instead of the individual’s way, the family’s way or the culture’s way.

Building and Protecting

Nehemiah 4:17-18: says; “Those who carried materials did their work with one hand and held a weapon in the other, and each of the builders wore his sword at his side as he worked. But the man who sounded the trumpet stayed with me. When Nehemiah began rebuilding Jerusalem, there were not enough people to dedicate builders specifically for the arduous task rebuilding the protective fortifications around the city. There were only a few military personnel to protect the unfortified city from potential attackers, so the people had to both rebuild the walls and protect the city. It was a great task, but under Nehemiah’s leadership, the people accomplished their task and protected their city.

            The Christian marriage today also must be built up and at the same time protected from attackers. We need to build up our marriage, strengthening it to withstand the storms that will come against it. The storms might be trouble with children or family, financial problems or natural disaster. It takes communication and working together as husband and wife to build a strong, intimate, growing relationship that will both honor God and be a lasting testimony to others. We also must do what it takes to protect our marriage from attack and from intruders. Outside relationships, job, family, hobbies; even children or ministry can intrude on our marriage. They can undermine our intimacy and oneness and drive us apart as a couple. It takes an investment of time and energy to build intimacy and strengthen our marriage.

            Do you strive to build up and protect your marriage? Do you use the sword of the Word of God to fight those things that would destroy your marriage? It takes work; you must spend the time, energy and money to protect and strengthen your marriage. Make the effort today and it will save you pain and heartache later.

Christmas vs Marriage

Perhaps “versus” is the wrong term to use here, because Christmas and Marriage are not usually thought of in relationship with Christmas. Contrasting the two, certainly we don’t compare marriage to Christmas, but what is Christmas? Isn’t it the celebration of Christ’s incarnation? The God of Heaven taking on human form, walking the earth and dying as a sacrifice for the sins of mankind? Christ came to earth to give His life for us. Christmas is about giving – Christ demonstrated love by giving His life. We also are to give, not just presents on Christmas day, but we are to emulate Christ and give of our selves throughout the year – throughout life.

The next question; what is marriage? The joining of a man and woman in the most intimate relationship possible on earth; it is a giving of oneself to another person completely. Ephesians 5 tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. Wives are to win their husbands without a word – giving of themselves to their husbands. 1 Corinthians 7 also speaks of husbands and wives giving of themselves to each other – not withholding physically. So marriage is similar to Christmas in that it is to be about giving. Kenn Kington says it well; “Success in life is not in what we get, it is in what we give. Things we obtain, power we possess, fame we achieve will never fill that lasting need we can only find in giving.” To succeed in life and in marriage, we must be givers.

Give of yourself, not only at Christmas, but throughout the year. Be known as a giver; one who gives of himself to others – especially to your spouse, but also to all those you come in contact with. Be a light in this dark, hateful world; love God and love others – give.

The Multi-Tasking Myth

There is a myth in society today that is often perpetrated by marriage researchers and writers. That myth is that women multi-task and men don’t. Some men will argue that they can also multi-task, giving the example of working on the computer and talking to their wives – I used to believe that one; but too many instances of my wife pointing out evidence that I was not really listing to her proved that I truly was not multi-tasking. Oh yes, we can chew gum and walk at the same time – in fact we breathe while we are walking, talking and doing everything else, so that proves that we multi-task? That is not really multi-tasking and not what people are speaking of when they say they can multi-task. People think they can do two simultaneous complex activities at the same time. It simply is not true.

Have you ever seen a woman talking to a friend with her small child standing at her side, saying, “mom, mom, mom, mom…”? If the child cannot get her attention by calling her, often the child will resort to misbehavior to get his or her mom’s attention. The vast majority of us cannot carry on a meaningful conversation while conducting other activities and we need to stop trying the “multi-tasking” thing, especially when in conversation with spouse or children, and, in reality anyone. It is not respectful and not honoring of the people in our lives. I think if anyone could multi-task, it would be Jesus, but there is no evidence that He attempted to multi-task; when He spoke to someone, He gave His undivided attention to that person.. We need to do likewise; give our undivided attention to our spouse or our children when talking to them. We need to be fully in the moment; not texting, writing emails, watching TV, reading or anything else. Honoring a person by listening totally and completely is the right thing to do.

Marriage is NOT a Private Matter

Marriage is NOT a private matter. God created man in His image and God  is community by His very nature. It was not good for man to be alone and God created a partner for him. The theme of community continues throughout the Bible - we cannot, Biblically avoid the fact that we are part of something bigger than ourselves. We see this profoundly when Paul confronted the Corinthians about many problems - primarily over relationships. No matter how much someone wants to say that their marriage is none of anyone else's business, it is the business of the church. Galatians 6:1 tells us that we are to confront sin. Matthew, Chapter 18 provides the steps for confronting sin.

The Christian Church should be a community, not for keeping everyone on the straight and narrow, but to help and encourage one another. Too many couples wallow in marriage problems not understanding that they can and should get help or they are too arrogant and prideful to seek help. It is not to be this way in the church. If you aren't moving forward in your marriage, get help. If you see someone struggling in their marriage, offer encouragement and challenge them to get help. Divorce is ripping apart the church and our society as a whole. We need to get involved in each others lives and help each other live lives for Christ and be a testimony to God's great love!

There is NO “Good Divorce”

Many are attracted to the concept of a “good divorce;” that if a couple divorces amicably, the children are actually better off than a couple remaining in an unhappy marriage. Sociologists have even coined the term “binuclear” family, attempting to normalize the effects of divorce and show that what really matters is how parents get along after the divorce, not the divorce itself. There are several problems with this line of reasoning. First, while a good divorce might be better than a bad divorce, it is still not good. Second, there is an enormous amount of research demonstrating that divorce is bad for children, short and long term, and that in the vast majority of divorces conflict and antagonism between husband and wife does not end, but actually worsens after divorce. Finally, divorce research found that children of so called “good divorces” compared poorly with those who grew up with parents in unhappy, low-conflict marriages. It was found that children from amicable divorces are the least likely to attend church.

Compound this information with the fact the children of divorce are two and one half times as likely to have serious social, emotional or psychological problems in their lives. There is NO good divorce! Will divorce happen? Yes. Are there instances when leaving a spouse is warranted? Yes, in the matter of abuse or unrepentant infidelity. But that does not mean that the divorce is good. The better option is for the abusive or unfaithful spouse to repent and get the help needed to build a healthy marriage and family. More than two thirds of divorces today occur, not because of serious sin, but because one or both spouses are unhappy. In reality, it is because one or both quit trying to make the marriage work. Research found that 80% of people do not improve their lives by divorcing their spouses. The oneness of the marriage relationship is violently dismembered and lives are irreparably harmed, generally, because of selfishness and self-centeredness.

Selfless vs Selfish

Our culture today seems to be more concerned with one’s rights than doing what is right. People tend to think that selflessness means giving up their rights and the pursuit of one’s own good as the highest of pursuits. One might think that people are confused; that the culture has blinded them to the blessings of selflessness, but the selfishness we see today has been the struggle of mankind since the beginning and it is ingrained into the American psyche. The pursuit of happiness was considered an unalienable right in the Declaration of Independence; people’s right to happiness has become more important that the Biblical concept of dying to self and putting others first.

The media, books, movies, advertisements, even some pastors promote the idea of “me first.” Of course no one would say they are promoting “me first” or selfish thinking, but in fact, they are. People deserve happiness, so, rather than work on a marriage that is floundering, they walk away to pursue their happiness. People are so wrapped up in what they want and need or what their spouses are not giving them that they fail to see their own shortcomings. People will do all sorts of selfish things without calling it what it is; they may use boundaries to get their way or to avoid doing things they don’t want to do or they will manipulate in a variety of ways. Selfishness doesn’t have to be learned, children display selfishness at a very young age. It is something that must be kept in check; we cannot allow it to creep into our lives.

Selflessness doesn’t come naturally; we must cultivate in ourselves and in our children. It is a matter of dying to self and submitting to God. Selflessness does not mean that we have no boundaries or give in to anything anyone else wants. We have to walk the fine line between serving and being subservient. We are to give of ourselves, not be doormats for people to walk all over. The Bible tells says that in humility, we are to consider others better than ourselves. We should not only look to our own interests, but also to the interest of others (Philippians 2:3-8). Selflessness means that we humble and available to help others in need; to be the hands and feet of Christ in this world. Do you consider your spouse first before yourself? Can you truly say you put him or her first? Die to self, put your spouse first; I think you will find the results fulfilling in ways you couldn’t have even imagined.