Who is the Provider?

A recent article in Time Magazine discussed the growth of female economic clout in the US today and suggested that “if people think differently about money, power and gender roles, everyone may come out ahead.” Many men today struggle to maintain steady, gainful employment and some wives have become the primary “breadwinner” and at times the husband has become the “house-husband,” remaining home to take care of home and children. We’ve been taught that the husband is to be the “provider” for the family; 1 Timothy 5:8 states that the person (inference is that it is the man) who does not provide for his family is worse than an unbeliever. Is it a problem Biblically if the man is not the financial provider for his family?

The “traditional” family roles had husband as the financial provider for his family, while the wife took care of the home… and everything else. As women entered the workforce, their expectation was that their duties at home would decrease with increased time outside the home. This didn’t happen and we saw stressed women attempting to cope with home and office duties and increased conflict between husband and wife. Many people from the “traditional” background advocate for women remaining home to care for children and household, but is it biblical? I think the “traditional” family is not biblical; the husband is to be the provider financially, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. Biblically, the husband should be intimately involved with his family not just the breadwinner. The good news is that Time reported that men have become significantly more hands-on in child rearing over the past generation – men are beginning to understand that there is more to being a husband and father than just bringing home a paycheck.

It has been said that the husband is the prophet, priest and king; the one who brings God’s truths and word to the family, the one who leads his family into God’s presence and the provider and protector of the family. Two or three thousand years ago – even 200 years ago, provision required the man’s strength and outdoor skill for the family to eat. Outdoor skills, at least in the US and Europe are rarely required for a family to eat today. But does that mean the husband cannot remain at home and be the provider while the wife uses her skills to provide financially for the family if that is what she wants? Does it upend biblical roles? I’m chewing on this – your input is welcome…

The Battle of the Ages

God said that it was not good for man to be alone; he would create a helper suitable for him (Genesis 2:18). The creation of woman began the first human relationship and “naked and unashamed,” they were completely transparent and open with each other. Unfortunately, it didn’t last very long. The serpent came along, tempted Eve and mankind fell to sin; the rest is history as they say. Adam was right there with Eve during her interaction with serpent and Larry Crabb’s book, The Silence of Adam discusses males’ proclivity towards silence when they should speak up and/or their tendency to push their own agenda. Women tend to have their own agenda also and the war between men and women has been raging ever since.

Mankind’s fall to sin, the rejection of God’s plan affects every aspect of our lives. Blame, avoidance of responsibility and hiding feelings appeared very quickly as the woman blamed the serpent and the man blamed; not only the woman, but God for their poor decision. The “curse” – not God’s proclamation of the way things should be, but the consequences of the fall are what I call the Battle of the Ages – the battle between men and women, husbands and wives. The curse for the woman was that her desire would be for her husband and he would rule over her. For the man, the curse meant that he would have to toil for his food and only by hard work would he eat for all the days of his life. This brought about great tension between man and woman; the reaction has been for women to manipulate to get their way while men tend to push their agenda through intimidation and physical strength.

This not what God wanted, but what we too often see in relationships today. One does not have to look far to find disrespectful, manipulative, nagging women and/or domineering, stonewalling, disengaged men. It seems that the majority of marital relationships today are characterized by one or more of these attributes – it is the curse of sin – the selfishness that has plagued mankind throughout history. Marriage tends to be about what one’s spouse can do to make a person happy and take care of him or her, rather than the relationship of transparency, openness and giving that God meant it to be. What can you do to reflect more of God’s plan in your marriage today?

Marriage: a 100-0 Relationship

How often have you heard someone say, “Marriage is 50-50, we’ve got to give and take?” Or how about the speaker I heard admonishing men to make their marriage relationships 60-40 – ‘come on men, let’s give a little more than our wives!’? 60-40? What if Christ only gave 60% and expected us to give the other 40? Jesus gave all for our salvation – while we were yet sinners, he died for us. Jesus is our example of what it is to die to self – he said that ‘friends’ will give their lives for one another, just as he gave his life for us. According to the Gospel, our marriage relationship should be a 100-0 relationship, giving all as Christ gave all, dying to self as Christ died to self – without expectations!

Will we do this perfectly? No! We are not Christ, but if we aim at 60-40, we will be lucky to hit 40-60 (which is what we see a lot in marriage counseling – spouses trying to get their fair share). We are to imitate Christ and aim to give 100% - to completely humble ourselves and give without expectations. That is the way of the cross. I think of a quote I read and use a lo by Kenn Kington: “If you are looking for someone to meet your needs, make you happy, and make your life worthwhile, you will be greatly disappointed, quickly discouraged, and basically unhappy the rest of your life. But, if you will just be the person God has made you to be, and find out how you can give your life to someone else by meeting their needs and making them happy, you will discover fulfillment, joy, and peace in ways you can’t even imagine.” Wow! That is what the Christian life is about – it is what marriage should be about – giving our lives to someone else.

I will tell you from experience that when I gave up trying to get my wife to make me happy and started to think about what I can do to make her happy, our marriage changed. Do I do this perfectly? No! But I do it better than I did 10 years ago, or 2 years ago, or 6 months ago – and I will tell you that I have experienced fulfillment, joy and peace in ways I couldn’t have imagined. Why do we have to be so concerned about what we are going to get? The Christian life should be about giving. Will you make a commitment to give and stop attempting to get your spouse to meet your needs and make you happy? Will you seek to be the person God made you to be and strive to meet your spouse’s needs and make him or her happy? Give 100% without expecting anything in return. The joy and peace of God is worth the effort!

Protecting Your Marriage

It is necessary to take steps to protect your marriage. We are dealing with several couples working through the sin of infidelity at different levels right now and it is difficult! It is not worth the pain you experience to go through the devastation of infidelity. Too many people say, ‘Oh, it could never happen to me – I would never commit adultery.’ We all are only a couple bad decisions away from making possibly the worst mistake of our lives. In today’s world of busy lives, disconnected spouses and abounding temptations, marriages must be protected.

During some research I discovered an article titled, The Science of Love which discussed how chemicals in the brain react to provide those “feelings” of love and bond humans together. The article reported a study in which a researcher asked people to: one, find a complete stranger; two, reveal intimate details about their lives to each other for thirty minutes; and three, then stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes without speaking. He found that many of these couples felt deeply attracted to each other after the 34 minute experiment. Two of his subjects later got married. Wow! In just 34 minutes, two complete strangers can become deeply attracted to each other! It is an amazing discovery.

There are three conclusions that come to mind regarding this research finding. First, a distant or distressed couple can positively change their relationship in 34 minutes. Second, 34 minutes can ruin a marriage and rip apart a family if the time is spent in the wrong place. Third, Christian singles and young people must be aware; spending time with non-Christians of the opposite gender is dangerous! The ‘we’re just friends,’ or ‘we’re just going on a date – not getting married’ argument does not work! In 34 minutes a bond can grow and either strengthen a godly relationship or lead you down the wrong path; we need to be on guard against falling into the trap of experiencing intimacy with the wrong person. Protect your marriage!

The Vow

We went to see the movie, The Vow yesterday and it was good, but not spectacular. The movie is about a young couple who fell in love, married, and then were in a serious car accident. When the wife came out of a coma, she had no memory of her husband. The husband worked to win his wife back and the movie ended with their relationship seemingly going in the right direction, but not yet back together. Before the credits there was a quick photo and text about the movie being based on a true story, which I had to check out.

My research found that the true story is a lot better than the edited version in the movie. The couple, Kim and Krickitt Carpenter married in 1993 and within 10 weeks of their wedding, they were in a very serious car accident, in which, Krickitt almost died. She survived, but when she came out of the coma, she had absolutely no memory of Kim, her husband, and to this day has lost all memory of two and half years of her life. The greatest omission of the movie is the Carpenter’s faith; devout Christians, they say it was their faith that kept them together through their terrible ordeal.

Rebuilding their relationship was difficult, although both tend to downplay the struggle. At one point, Kim thought their marriage would not work, but he wouldn’t give up; “I made a vow before God,” he explained, “until death do you part.” Krickett later said that, “I would love to say that I fell in love with him again because that’s what everybody wants to hear, but I chose to love him and that was based on obedience to God, not feelings… I chose to love him because I made a vow.” Their wedding vows kept them together when both found they were married to strangers – Krickett because she had no memory of her husband, Kim because the brain injury caused significant changes in the wife he had grown to love. It is a challenge to all of us to live out our wedding vows – until death does us part.