Patience vs. Passivity

Patience, often meaning “longsuffering” is a great quality and even listed as an attribute of the “Fruit of the Spirit” in Galatians chapter 5. This patience (or tolerance of others) is a great asset in marriage helping couples accept their differences and work together to resolve the problems they face in life. We can also think of this as “contentment” – being content where we are at rather than constantly looking for something more or something better. One writer defined patience as a ‘conscious decision to accept one’s place in the world, to recognize his or her limitations as well as the weaknesses of others, and to live in a state of calm readiness.’ It is not waiting for life to happen, but accepting the inconveniences and annoyances of life with humility and gentleness.

Passivity on the other hand is the lack of will; allowing outside influences to guide and shape a person, refusing to make decisions and giving into being taken care of while showing a lack of regard for others’ needs. The patient person cares about others and gives them grace. The passive person might appear to care about what others think, but in reality, cares only about him or herself. A passive person may tell others to be patient and that he is just an easy-going, laid-back person, but often uses his so-called patience as a cover for his lack of will and even as a way to control others. Passivity masked as patience leaves the work of life and relationship to the other person and injures, even kills relationships.

The question is; are you patient or are you passive? The passive person always looks for the better life, but rarely has the will to doing anything to make his or her life better. Problems are always about someone or something else, spouse, employer, circumstances – there is always something that keeps the passive person from accomplishing goals. The patient person is content, but also works toward goals. This person has healthy boundaries, accepting ownership of what is his and taking responsibility for his behavior. He changes what he can and leaves the rest to God. Healthy, productive relationships require patient people. Be a patient person.

The Loving Marriage: Giving to Each Other

“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.” 1 John 3:16-18. For all the many definitions we find of love, Jesus not only told us what love is, He demonstrated it by giving his life for us.

People marry because they are “in love,” but do they really understand what love is? No, they don’t know what love is, because they think it is a feeling, when, in reality, love is giving. It is giving up ourselves, giving to meet needs, giving through what we do, not necessarily by what we say. Love is not the esoteric, poetic love people write about, but a down-to-earth reality based giving of ourselves and our possessions to another person. The Bible calls us to love with actions and in truth.

Do you love your spouse this way? Giving without expectations? Dying to yourself and giving to him or her, not because you feel like it, but because it is what God wants you to do? Yes, you are not Jesus and you won’t do this perfectly, but if you don’t try, you won’t even come close! Jesus loved you by leaving heaven, living in this broken world and walking dusty, dirty roads for thirty some years and then dying on a cross for you! And you cannot give a little kindness, gentleness or patience for your spouse? The loving marriage is a giving marriage – giving up self and giving daily, even moment by moment to one’s spouse.

Where is the Balance?!

I recently attended a marriage conference and a workshop speaker; a respected leader in the Christian marriage community stated, 'I know they (the words headship and submission) are in the Bible, but I throw them out.' I was shocked; I couldn't believe my ears! A leader in the Christian community stating that because he doesn't like certain words in the Bible, he throws them out? It seems to be incredible arrogance and audacity to make such a statement. I am still dumbfounded that he would publicly make this statement.

Yes, many have abused headship and submission to perpetrate injustice and sin, but that doesn't mean that we toss out the concepts and not pursue a Biblically balanced view of the concepts. So it begs the question; are husbands and wives equal; neither has authority over the other? Or is the husband the authority and the final say in the relationship? How does oneness fit into the discussion? Mutual submission? What about Galatians 3:28 and the seeming breaking of authority distinctions? I'll wait on my thoughts and comment back on this...

Married - For Better or Worse

It is a travesty that couples today marry too quickly without knowledge of who they are marrying or having a clue about what marriage really is. Commitment tends to be based on what a spouse can do for a person, rather than forming the basis of the marriage relationship. If a spouse sins against the other, doesn’t meet needs, doesn’t light up the others life, gets sick or in any other way doesn’t measure up; the thought is that it must be time for a divorce. It is horrible and really, quite maddening. People today, Christians, divorce for any and every reason and offer lame excuses and rationalization for why they commit sin by divorcing their spouses.

Do you know that 80% of couples who experience long-term illness in their marriage life divorce – it is a horrible, tragic consequence of this “me first” mentality that permeates our culture today. During one documentary, a wife of a cancer sufferer actually said that she wished her husband would just die if he was going to die, because she wasn’t getting any younger and with three sons, she would have a difficult time finding a new husband. What? It is one of the coldest, most callused remarks I think I have ever heard! It is appalling, but yet while others may not say the words, they live out the thoughts through their actions. What happened to the promise to love one another through sickness and health, for better or worse for life? Christians divorce their sick spouses and it is a shame on the church today! In another case, a pastor recommended divorce for a man whose wife was seriously ill and not able to care for herself. She was in a care facility and the thought was that there wasn’t anything else the husband could do, so he should just move on with his life. What about loving his wife until death do them part!?!

One couple I know has lived out this commitment through 48 years of marriage. Don and Peggy Marquard have suffered setbacks and dramatic life-changing events throughout their marriage. Peggy has suffered from Myasthenia Gravis, a life-threatening, debilitating disease for which there is no cure. They have endured many hardships throughout the 41 years she has had this terrible disease, but Don’s leaving the relationship was never considered. Peggy now has cancer that resulted from her disease, but to see them together is an incredible blessing. They have a peace and a joy about them that most “well” couples do not have! We need to see this kind of commitment in marriages today in the church! Then there will be testimony of what a marriage is like! You can read the complete article about Don and Peggy at http://www.fortifiedmarriages.com/For%20Better%20or%20Worse%20-%20Remaining%20Together%20When%20Life%20is%20Difficult%20by%20Chris%20Garner.pdf.

Selfishness Kills Marriages

Selfishness Kills Marriages

It is really amazing that people can be so selfish and self-centered. And Christians! There doesn’t seem to be much difference between Christians and non-Christians when it comes to selfishness. The culture today really has permeated the church; ‘life is about me and I’m going to do what makes me happy.’  This seems to be the motto of life for people today. The Word of God? People only take from it what they want and discard what doesn’t fit into their plan for their lives. People take and take and take, but only give out of their abundance. Give of themselves? When it is convenient and fits into their schedule.

In marriage it’s even worse – people remain in marriages as long as their spouses make them happy or don’t fail them in any way. It is a travesty that people divorce for any and every reason. They throw out Matthew 19, not only for adultery, but to justify their divorce as “Biblical” so they can go find their “true” soul mates. Somehow they skip the part about the ‘hardness of one’s heart’ being the true reason they want a divorce. So many people justify treating their spouse badly because of some faux pas the spouse made. Or for a sin confessed and repented of. Yes, hurt and sin need to be addressed, but once addressed it needs to be left alone! Quit being so self-centered!

OK, I’m melancholy today and on a rant of sorts. People, especially Christians, have got to quit being so selfish! Marriage is not about what I can get or should get or about my happiness. It is about giving to another person; loving one person (your spouse) so much that you would give him or her anything. It also would mean that you wouldn’t squawk or cry or throw a tantrum because he or she messed up. Galatians 6:1 says that those caught in sin are to be restored gently. I’d love to hear about someone doing that to their spouse. What a concept; to humbly go to your spouse and gently address the sin he or she committed. Can it be done? Sure if we do things God’s way and not our own selfish way. If we killed selfishness, marriages would survive and even thrive!

Who is the Provider?

A recent article in Time Magazine discussed the growth of female economic clout in the US today and suggested that “if people think differently about money, power and gender roles, everyone may come out ahead.” Many men today struggle to maintain steady, gainful employment and some wives have become the primary “breadwinner” and at times the husband has become the “house-husband,” remaining home to take care of home and children. We’ve been taught that the husband is to be the “provider” for the family; 1 Timothy 5:8 states that the person (inference is that it is the man) who does not provide for his family is worse than an unbeliever. Is it a problem Biblically if the man is not the financial provider for his family?

The “traditional” family roles had husband as the financial provider for his family, while the wife took care of the home… and everything else. As women entered the workforce, their expectation was that their duties at home would decrease with increased time outside the home. This didn’t happen and we saw stressed women attempting to cope with home and office duties and increased conflict between husband and wife. Many people from the “traditional” background advocate for women remaining home to care for children and household, but is it biblical? I think the “traditional” family is not biblical; the husband is to be the provider financially, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. Biblically, the husband should be intimately involved with his family not just the breadwinner. The good news is that Time reported that men have become significantly more hands-on in child rearing over the past generation – men are beginning to understand that there is more to being a husband and father than just bringing home a paycheck.

It has been said that the husband is the prophet, priest and king; the one who brings God’s truths and word to the family, the one who leads his family into God’s presence and the provider and protector of the family. Two or three thousand years ago – even 200 years ago, provision required the man’s strength and outdoor skill for the family to eat. Outdoor skills, at least in the US and Europe are rarely required for a family to eat today. But does that mean the husband cannot remain at home and be the provider while the wife uses her skills to provide financially for the family if that is what she wants? Does it upend biblical roles? I’m chewing on this – your input is welcome…