Repentance: the act of sincerely apologizing for one’s actions or words

     People often talk about forgiveness in marriage - the need for husbands and wife to be good forgivers. But what about the need for repentance? The need for us as people prone to sin against the person we love most to turn from our sin and genuinely and humbly apologize - taking responsibility for our sin against our spouse? I think too little is said about this aspect of the marriage relationship. Jesus told people to repent, to turn from their sin and said, “I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.” (Luke 5:32) As one person has said, Christians are called to be experts in repentance.

     The act of sincerely apologizing for our actions or words first involves taking responsibility for those actions or words. It is not justifying, defending, or minimizing the wrong we have done to our spouse. Our wrong may something minor like stepping on their toe; just because we didn’t mean to, doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt them. We acknowledge the office; “hey, I stepped on your toe, I am sorry, are you OK?” Yet, too often we expect our spouse to just get over it. That can extend into areas of greater hurt and pain; breaking trust or saying something very hurtful. It may take longer to repair the breech in the relationship in these instances and can begin when their is repentance.

     I have to confess that this has been something very difficult for me. I didn’t deal with hurt well earlier in our marriage. I would tell my wife “sorry” for some wrong she confronted me with and when she didn’t let it go right away, I would get angry and say, “I told you I was sorry, what else do you want from me!” Well, repentance would have been nice! I could have validated her feelings, acknowledged the hurt and the genuinely said I was sorry, instead using “I’m sorry to get her off my back. This may seem monumental to address every hurt we cause each other and we have people in counseling tell us that they shouldn’t have to stop and deal with all the little hurts caused each day. Folks, those little hurts cause damage and over time, it can build into something huge! And yes, it does seem monumental at first, but once we are in the habit of repentance and addressing hurts in a healthy way, it gets much easier.

     Today, it is much easier to address the hurts I cause my wife - and her with me - because we have integrated  a healthy repentance into our daily lives. We challenge you to do the work to make repentance an integral part of your marriage relationship also. If you, like I was, have problems responding to the hurt of your spouse in healthy ways, get help! See a pastor, counselor, or mature Christian who can help you or contact us. Couples in  growing, mature marriages take responsibility for their actions and words, even if they don’t think they were hurtful. If you spouse is hurt, humble yourself and address that hurt in a healthy way - be willing to repent!

Desire: to wish or long for; crave, want

     What do you wish for? Or long for? Is it happiness? A new car? A house in the country? Retirement? The Song of Songs records the love story of Solomon and his wife. Song 7:10 says: “I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me.” The Hebrew word for desire is that longing or a stretching out after. God’s plan for us is that we would first desire the things of God; but then to desire, to long for our spouse. This isn’t something only for the young love of our youth, but it should be a part of the marriage relationship for life! Proverbs 5 says; “may you rejoice in the wife of your youth… may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

     Desire isn’t a passing feeling or something we have or don’t have. It is a choice we make; a choice of where we put our focus. Too many of us are focused on stuff - material things that won’t mean anything in our old age. Or perhaps it is Facebook and being “connected” with others. Or online games. More couples are coming for counseling with one (usually the husband) more focused on games and their online “friends” than their spouse. The Word of God tells us that where our focus is, our heart will be also. The online or materialistic stuff will not last like a strong healthy marriage. All of that won’t help when you suffer cancer or other serious medical condition. Facebook and online games won’t keep you company in your old age and you can’t see the screen any longer.

     A healthy marriage relationship has to be cultivated, to be built up over time. It requires time and work; but most of all, it required focus. Where is your focus? Yes, you may have to work, take care of children, and maintain a home - we are all busy. You can fulfill your responsibilities and still focus on your spouse. Do you crave or want time with your spouse? Do you desire to be with him or her? Choose to long for your spouse. Think about him or her, day-dream about them, plan to have time with them. Make a call during the day, text, or send a card to let him or her know that you are thinking of them. Read the Song of Songs alone or together. Consider the longing Solomon and his wife had for each other. It’s not some fairy-tale romance, it is poetry written about their true love for each other. What will you do to express your desire for your spouse?

Work: Something a Person Has to Do

     Work for man-kind began even before the fall - God created man and woman to rule over the animals and take care of the garden. The fall brought the curse and work became difficult; not only for the basics, such as feeding themselves and bearing children, but also in their relationships. Before the fall, man didn’t have to worry about food, after the fall - it became arduous work to gather food. Before the fall, relationships were easy - both with God and each other; after the fall, relationships became difficult and required work.

     As much as couples hate to hear it, every marriage requires work. There are things husbands and wives have to do to build healthy relationships. Naturally, without work or effort, a marriage will fall apart. It could be a law of the universe; ‘healthy, vibrant, mutually edifying relationships, require work.’ Of the couples who come to us for counseling; those who do the work, change, grow, and see their relationship become strong and healthy. We usually see failure of the marriage when a couple doesn’t do the work.

     You must be willing to talk and work through problems you experience. You have to learn and use healthy communication principles to strengthen your marriage. You have to develop healthy boundaries and implement them into your life and marriage. You must be willing and then put the effort into connecting with your spouse and growing together. Is it difficult? At first, but it gets easier as you continue to give of yourself and seek to build relationship. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it also does not take a long time to begin seeing change and growth.

     Great achievements aren’t always accomplished by the person with the most talent, ability, education, or money. Great achievements are accomplished by those who do not give up and are willing to change and make things work one way or another. Do you want a better marriage? A successful marriage? An incredible marriage beneficial to both you and your spouse? Work at it! Put the effort into developing the skills and abilities needed for a healthy marriage - it is something you have to do!

Love: Unconditional Giving to One Another

     LOVE: Something we all want; in fact, something we all need. We are created to love; first God and then others. Jesus responded to the question of what is the greatest commandment; with, 'Love God and love others.' Everything else is based on these two basic premises. YET, do we truly love? Our spouse? Children? Friends and family? Those we are in conflict with? Too often the answer is, 'no, we don't.' Perhaps you protest that you do love your spouse; you provide for her or take care of him. But do you really love him or her? Do you give unconditionally and sacrificially? Do you seek his or her good in all things? Biblically, we are not to seek to get love, we are to seek to love; to give unconditionally and sacrificially.

     1 John 3:16 tells us what love truly is: “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.” Love is giving of ourselves—with Jesus Christ as our example. He left the glories of heaven to come to earth to die a horrible death for you! We tend to think that Christ’s death on the cross is all there is to His work. Jesus died to self and gave of Himself every day for the 33 years He was on earth heading for that cross. Yet, we tend to balk at any and every opportunity to quit thinking of ourselves and give sacrificially to our spouse.

     What would happen if you stopped trying to get your needs met? If you stopped telling your spouse all the wrong things he or she does and sought to love him or her the way Christ loves you - dying to self and giving all without expectation of any return? Perhaps, for the first time, your spouse would see Christ at work in your life and thereby be drawn to you, rather than repulsed by you. Forget trying to change, correct, or fix your spouse! Love him or her unconditionally and sacrificially.

The Spirit of Christ in the Movie The Grinch

     Reluctantly, I went to see the new Grinch movie - my mother wanted to see it and my grandkids wanted to see it for a second time. I was pleasantly surprised by the movie in several respects. Yes, it was a quality movie; with action that kept it moving and a well-written story, but I was surprised by the bottom line message of the movie: Christmas isn't about the stuff - it's about giving and celebrating. The Grinch stole Christmas (the presents and decorations) from the Whos, but he didn't really take Christmas from them and it did not change them - they celebrated without the stuff. 

     So, are we about the stuff, or about giving and celebrating the coming of Jesus Christ? Are you like the Grinch; allowing pain and past hurt to keep you down and wallowing in your own problems? Or are you like the Whos; focused on giving and celebrating Christ rather than the stuff - the presents and trapping of Christmas? Yes, the world is a terrible, scary place full of danger and problems and pain, but Jesus Christ is bigger than all of it! Live your life for Jesus - seek to give of yourself as He gave His all for you.

Submission: Aligning one’s self with another

     Submission, unfortunately, is an extremely polarizing word in society today. Criticized both within and outside the church, people simply do not want to hear that they are to submit to anyone, much less a woman submitting to her husband! One “Christian leader” even has stated publicly that he just throws the word out of the Bible. Yet, the Bible clearly states that people are to submit to God, fellow Christians, and the rulers God has put in place - and that wives are to submit to their husbands. Submission should be a positive part of every Christian’s life. Abuses of the Biblical ideal of submission are not a reason to discard the principle.
     We are to obey the authorities God has put into place (1 Peter 2:13), those over us (Ephesians 5:33, 1 Peter 2:18), church leadership (Hebrews 13:17), and other Christians (Ephesians 5:21). Christians are called to submission! Often couples don’t realize that submitting one to another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21) applies also to husband and wife. We submit to each other as we would submit to other Christians, honoring and respecting each other, and humbly accepting each other’s admonitions that help us grow and mature in our walk with the Lord.

     In marriage, the wife consents to being led—she is not forced. She respects and honors her husband; she is not his slave. She supports and encourages her husband, rather than mothering him and trying to make him into something she thinks he should be. As the husband leads by submitting to God and loving his wife sacrificially, the wife aligns herself with him; and then, working together, they go in the direction God intends for them. The world needs to see husbands and wives submitted to God and loving each other by giving of themselves for each other; not arguing about who is in charge. Are you living in submission to the Lord your God and loving your spouse as the Lord would want you to love him or her?

For more information, check out: 

    WhatYou Need to Know about the Meaning of Submission in the Bible 

           by Denise Larson Cooper

   SixThings Submission Is Not by John Piper

   WhatIs The Biblical Definition of Submission? What Is Christian Submission? 

          by Jack Wellman

Champion: A person who fights for or defends a cause

        We must contend for marriage! It is the foundation of the family, the church, the community, and the nation. Marriage is the first institution created by God and holds the very fabric of society together. It is a visible representation of the relationship of Christ with the Church and representative of the Gospel. It is up to us, the Church—the Body of Christ—to stand up and defend the institution of marriage. Yes, people will oppose us; the culture does not believe in God’s plan for marriage. We must speak up and say that marriage according to God’s plan is important!

        There are many things we can do to defend marriage, but first, we must live out God’s plan in our own marriage. To quote a character from a popular movie, “Gays aren’t the problem with marriage. You people are!” When “Christians” do not demonstrate God’s plan for marriage, why would the world want what we have? The non-Christian world will do whatever seems right to them; Christians must obey the Word of God. Demonstrating true Biblical marriages will draw people to Biblical ideals. Too many Christians speak out in support of marriage when their own marriages are not testimonies for the God they claim to serve.

        Couples who have a God-fearing, strong marriage can be used by the Lord to help others and give them hope. We must continue to work on our own marriage, but there is a time when God will call upon us to be used in others’ marriages. Our availability is more important than our qualifications. The Lord empowers those He desires to use—you don’t need a counseling degree to share what you know about God’s plan for marriage. Whether it is confronting someone about to leave their marriage or encouraging a couple experiencing problems, you can help other couples. Be a champion for marriage - some one who fights for and defends Marriage as God designed it.