Walking in the Truth in Your Marriage

 Do you believe God wants you to have a flourishing, growing marriage? A marriage beneficial to both you and your spouse? Psalms 84:11 says; "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor - no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless." Yes, the Lord does want us to have strong, growing, even flourishing marriages! But we must walk in His truths and be willing to do OUR part. We know the truth, believe the truth and walk in the truth and THEN the feelings will come. It is a matter of being the person God created us to be; dying to self and loving our spouse selflessly as God would want us to. It is NOT about what our spouse does or doesn't do (of course we set boundaries and don't accept sinful behavior), but is about us taking ownership and responsibility for our part and doing what WE can to build a great marriage. Romans 12:18 reminds us that; "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Do YOUR part!

Resolve: A firm determination to do something

      We often think of resolve as solving a problem; meaning that we resolve a conflict, but there is another way to look at this word - it also means that we are determined to do something. This is much more than a desire or making a decision to do something - it means that we are going to see it through no matter what. Generations past worked through the problems they faced because they were resolved to remain together and face whatever challenges came their way. There was a firm determination that they were together for life. Too often that resolve does not exist in marriages today. Adversity comes and one or both spouses walk away from the marriage. That is not God’s plan for marriage - it is not upholding the vows one made on their wedding day.

     Consider Daniel in the Old Testament; he resolved not to defile himself with the royal food and wine - he had a firm determination that he would focus on God and live on water and vegetables. Daniel’s resolve led to his sentence to death, but God saved him and turned things around on his accusers. Do we have such a resolve to serve God? Would we be so firm in our determination if we faced a sentence of death for our commitment to the Lord? Do we have the resolve to live out our wedding vows as we promised on our wedding day? My friend Pastor Diego did that - at his funeral, his wife announced; “today, Diego has fulfilled his wedding vows.” He took care of his wife, loved her, and was faithful until death separated them. Are we resolved to be that kind faithful spouse?

     1 Corinthians 16:13 tells us to “Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.” We must do these things in our walk with the Lord and in our marriage. It requires resolve - a firm determination to not let pride or the flesh or the cares of the world shatter our marriage. The Lord will help us, but we must firmly make up our mind that we are going to do what it takes to walk with our spouse through all the troubles we will face in life. Jonathan Edwards, the great preacher in the early 1700s made a list of 70 resolutions that would guide his life. He did this when he was a teenager! Take a look at his list and incorporate some of those resolutions into your life; or make up your own list. What are some things you resolve to do in your life? A couple of suggestions could be: resolve that you will work through conflict in healthy ways; resolve that you seek to connect with your spouse daily; resolve that you will remain faithful and true to your spouse in every area; resolve that you will demonstrate love to your spouse every day - the list could go on; it is important that you resolve - that you make a firm determination that you will do what it takes to build a strong marriage.

 

Life-Long Commitment to Marriage

 Marriage seems to fall into the same category today as people's clothes, cars, appliances, phones, computers - really anything - if it doesn't make me feel good; if it isn't the latest and greatest; if it doesn't fit in with my life-style; just get a new one. Most of our counseling is not for serious problems; couples come for counseling because they have "grown apart," because of unmet needs, because the relationship just isn't working for them any longer. Western culture is now the culture of the disposable. If it just doesn't "do it" for us, get rid of it and find a replacement. The problem is that you don't just dispose of a marriage - the "two becoming one" means that there has been an indelible stamp of that other person on your life. Additionally, if there are children, you don't get rid of that person - they are in your life - for life! 

Couples promise on the wedding day that they will remain in the marriage through the troubles, through the problems - no matter what - for life! My friend Pastor Diego did that. At his funeral, his wife, Mery, said, 'today, Diego fulfilled his vows. He loved me and took care of me until death parted us.' That, friends, is a testimony of a life long commitment. There are other inspiriational stories of that kind of commitment; click HERE for a downloadable document of "True Stories of Marital Commitment." Make that commitment now that you will love your spouse for better or worse until death do you part!

Peace amid the Conflict of our Soul

 A good friend posed the question about how we could have peace, how we could experience the lying down in green pastures, the refreshing waters, and the refreshing of the soul found in Psalms 23 when we have this war between the spirit and the flesh? Paul also experienced this anxiety, expressed in Romans 7:15 when he wrote that he didn't do what he wanted to do, but did what he hated. He continued writing about this battle between the flesh and the spirit with him and concluded with; "What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans 7:24-25) John 16:33 records Jesus saying; "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” We know that there will be internal and external strife for us to deal with - we deal with either by turning to Jesus - surrendering to Him, living for Him, focusing on Him.

Our church has begun an initiative to "behold" God for 21 days - to not just focus on Him, but to truly see Him for who He is. To behold is to fix our attention upon the Lord; to attend; to direct or fix the mind on Him. Our rest, our peace only comes from the Lord - we can only experience serenity of Psalms 23 through the Lord. We first must have peace with God; that comes through surrendering our lives to Him and living for Him. Then we can have the peace of God; this entails trusting in Him, focusing on Him and day by day - sometimes moment by moment acknowledging Jesus and giving Him whatever situation we are facing; whether it is temptation, internal conflict, or external troubles. Finally, we can experience peace with the world because we have the peace of God. We can experience the serenity of Psalms 23 through all the chaos we experience in our soul and in the world. 

Matthew 11:29 records Jesus saying that we are to take His yoke upon us and learn from Him - then we will find rest. The picture here is of how oxen are trained by yoking an inexperienced ox to an older, experienced ox. The yoke keeps the two oxen tied together and the younger ox "learns" by literally having to do whatever the older ox does. In this same way, Christ wants us to learn from Him and learn to live a spirit controlled life by walking closely with Him. Jesus experienced all the turmoil we face and more; yet, He remained focused on the Father and His purpose for His life. We must pull away from the busyness of life and stop and focus on the Lord as Jesus did - prayer, worship, and fellowship with believers will help us enter into His peace.

Division: Separation by difference of opinion or feeling; disagreement; dissension.

      Yes, there is division in our world today - in our nation - in our churches - in our families - in our marriages. Through this season of pandemic, we have done a lot of counseling. Couples are at home together, but experiencing division, often because they are not accustomed to having that much time together. There are reports of increased marital strife and even domestic violence due to couples and families being “cooped up together.” Brothers and sisters, this should not be so!
     God’s plan for marriage is for two very different people to come together in the oneness of the marriage relationship. God’s plan is for marriage to be an earthly representation of the oneness, closeness, and unity seen in the very nature of our God. The Bible speaks of unity among the family (biological and church) from beginning to end. In 1 Corinthians 1:10-13, Paul appeals for unity among believers. He wrote to Titus (Titus 3:9-11), that Titus was to warn the person who stirred up division and if they didn’t quit, he shouldn’t have anything to do with that person. Remember, peace is not the absence of conflict, it is resolving conflict in peaceful ways. God commands unity in marriage and in the church.
     Satan sows division - he wants to see couples, families, churches, and even the nation in terrible times of upheaval and division. He has been doing a really good job of egging on the division in today’s environment! The question is, “are we going to allow Satan to divide us? Or are we going to stand firm in the Spirit and work through the problems we face together - even growing through the adversity we face. It is really our choice; the prophet, Amos asked, ‘Can two walk together unless they have agreed?’  The Lord will empower us to work through our differences, but we must make the choice to work together rather than allowing differences to cause division and even ruin our relationships.
     What are you doing? Are you sowing division or involved in divisive conversations? If so, please see Romans 16:17-18 and Proverbs 6:16-19 - the Word of God speaks quite strongly against divisiveness. Are you growing in unity in your marriage? Or are you allowing division to tear your marriage down - even tear it apart? Yes, we must stand for truth, but God calls us to be ambassadors of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:20). He desires that we seek unity in our marriage, family, church, and our nation - be an ambassador of reconciliation.

See also: Spirit of Cooperation vs. Division in Marriage  by Gary Emery  
                www.emerycounseling.com/spirit-of-cooperation-vs-division-in-marriage-gary-emery

Trouble: Experiencing problems, difficulties, or adversity

      Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians, Chapter 7 that “those who marry will face many troubles in this life.” We live in a broken world - a world crying out for the return of the Savior. Trouble is a fact of life, yet when most couples experience trouble, they react as if they can not believe trouble could happen to them. Statistics show that couples believe the fairy tale that they will marry and live happily every after. Divorce rates skyrocket for those who experience financial difficulties, long-term illness, or loss of a child. For heaven’s sake, people are now divorcing when they experience the difficulties of aging. This is not what God meant for marriage! Marriage is meant to be a natural support mechanism when we experience trouble.
     Jesus told us that we would experience trouble in the world, but that we could take heart, because He has overcome the world (John 16:33). Problems, difficulties, and adversities should not surprise us and should be a time when we pull together as a couple, not allow those troubles to drive us apart. Carmen and I have experienced tremendous difficulties throughout our marriage. Sin within our marriage, trouble with children, financial loss; the list is quite long. We haven’t make it through the troubles because we are such great Christians; at times, it has been very difficult, but by God’s grace and strength, we have faced the troubles together. We have grown (in our faith and in our marriage relationship) because of and in spite of the trouble we have faced.
     There isn’t some secret that we can impart to you for working through difficulties; there isn’t some formula of seven steps to working through adversity. It is a matter of knowing that trouble will come in life and then trusting the Lord and focusing on Him through the trouble. Get help; through trusted friends, the church, counseling if needed, we are not meant to walk through trouble alone.
     Couples can also prepare before the adversity comes. Preparation involves building the foundation for a strong, growing marriage and continuing the work of building relationship:

    Pray together daily
    Build and maintain healthy boundaries
    Use healthy communication tools

    Grow in intimacy
    Meet each other’s needs
    Connect with others

     You cannot avoid pain and loss in life. How will you handle it? Will you run from adversity or depend on Christ and grow through it?

Faith: Belief that leads to action

       Faith is part of the Christian life from beginning to end. Christians say they have faith - that they trust in God, but do we see that faith in their lives? In their marriages? Hebrews 11:1 tells us that “faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” The writer goes on to say that ‘without faith it is impossible to please God.’ We are saved by grace through faith, but that faith should be seen in how we walk in life, and again, in our marriages. James brought this point out even stronger when he wrote that “faith apart from works is dead.”

      Faith is an active trust in God, a belief in what He says is true that results in action. So, whether we are dealing with uncertainties in the world - which will always be the case, as the world groans for the return of our Lord and Savior, or are dealing with problems in our marriage and family, we are to remain focused on Christ - the author and perfecter of our faith. The Saints before us demonstrated their faith through their actions and we are to do the same - to throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and run the race marked out for us with perseverance (Hebrews 12).

      The order of Scripture is to: know the truth, believe the truth, walk in the truth, and then the feelings will follow. We may feel tremendous uncertainty - we must walk in the truth that our sovereign God is in charge and knows what He is doing. Do we take precautions? Certainly! Do we just march into danger as if the Holy Spirit were some sort of magic cloak protecting us? No! We serve a God greater than any circumstances that we may face in this world; we must trust in Him and walk in that trust. We cannot allow fear to rule our lives. Through knowledge of God’s word, prayer, and walking in the Spirit, we can live lives empowered to walk boldly in our Lord.

     Faith enables us to walk victoriously unified as husband and wife. It helps to keep us focused on the Lord when we experience difficulties in life or in our marriage and family. Faith lived out in action helps build strong marriages that will withstand the storms that will come in life. Where is your faith? Are you shaken by the troubles seen in the world? Does fear immobilize you? Stand firm in your faith in Jesus Christ and encourage and build up your spouse helping them to focus on the Lord, trusting in Him. Walk and stand together.

Are You a New Creation?

     2 Corinthians 5:17 tells us: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” If a person is in Christ, they are a new creation – the old is gone. The question has to be asked of those who claim Christ as their Savior, are you a new creation? Is the old gone – that old life of selfishness, continual sin, and living for self, rather than for others? An observation of 37 years of living life around “Christians” is that for most, Christ is an “add-on” to their lives, not an integral part of their lives. They may go to church on Sundays, they may pray at meals, and they may even go to a Bible study or serve in ministry, but their lives do not demonstrate anything different than a somewhat sanitized version of the non-Christian life. Some put on the church face outside the home, but their home life is one of sin, spousal or child abuse, or drug or alcohol abuse.

     The New Testament tells the stories of people that accepted Christ and became new creations in Him. Paul when from a persecutor and killer of Christians to the chief proponent of Christ – giving up a life of privilege to travel the known world preaching the Gospel. There were the Bereans who “examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true.” (Acts 17:11) Acts 4 relates that all the believers were one in heart and mind. They carried each other’s burdens and helped one another - there were no needy persons among them. Stephen forgave those who stoned him to death for his faith in Christ. (Acts 7:60) The Apostles gave up everything they had to follow Jesus (Mark 10). Paul commended the Corinthians for their generous giving in 2 Corinthians 9.

     The New Testament Christians weren’t perfect and we aren’t going to be perfect either, but there was a difference between the New Testament Christians and the pagans who lived around them. Is there a difference between you and the pagans (non-Christians) who live around you? Is your life consumed with materialist things? Are you striving to get ahead more than you are striving to live a life for Christ? The Fruit of the Spirit is not a list of things to live up to, but an assessment of where we are in our walk with Christ. Love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control should characterize the new creation in Christ. Do they characterize you? Peter wrote that Christians are to be holy because God is holy – holy is to be set apart – different. It is living as a new creation.

Repentance: the act of sincerely apologizing for one’s actions or words

     People often talk about forgiveness in marriage - the need for husbands and wife to be good forgivers. But what about the need for repentance? The need for us as people prone to sin against the person we love most to turn from our sin and genuinely and humbly apologize - taking responsibility for our sin against our spouse? I think too little is said about this aspect of the marriage relationship. Jesus told people to repent, to turn from their sin and said, “I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.” (Luke 5:32) As one person has said, Christians are called to be experts in repentance.

     The act of sincerely apologizing for our actions or words first involves taking responsibility for those actions or words. It is not justifying, defending, or minimizing the wrong we have done to our spouse. Our wrong may something minor like stepping on their toe; just because we didn’t mean to, doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt them. We acknowledge the office; “hey, I stepped on your toe, I am sorry, are you OK?” Yet, too often we expect our spouse to just get over it. That can extend into areas of greater hurt and pain; breaking trust or saying something very hurtful. It may take longer to repair the breech in the relationship in these instances and can begin when their is repentance.

     I have to confess that this has been something very difficult for me. I didn’t deal with hurt well earlier in our marriage. I would tell my wife “sorry” for some wrong she confronted me with and when she didn’t let it go right away, I would get angry and say, “I told you I was sorry, what else do you want from me!” Well, repentance would have been nice! I could have validated her feelings, acknowledged the hurt and the genuinely said I was sorry, instead using “I’m sorry to get her off my back. This may seem monumental to address every hurt we cause each other and we have people in counseling tell us that they shouldn’t have to stop and deal with all the little hurts caused each day. Folks, those little hurts cause damage and over time, it can build into something huge! And yes, it does seem monumental at first, but once we are in the habit of repentance and addressing hurts in a healthy way, it gets much easier.

     Today, it is much easier to address the hurts I cause my wife - and her with me - because we have integrated  a healthy repentance into our daily lives. We challenge you to do the work to make repentance an integral part of your marriage relationship also. If you, like I was, have problems responding to the hurt of your spouse in healthy ways, get help! See a pastor, counselor, or mature Christian who can help you or contact us. Couples in  growing, mature marriages take responsibility for their actions and words, even if they don’t think they were hurtful. If you spouse is hurt, humble yourself and address that hurt in a healthy way - be willing to repent!

Desire: to wish or long for; crave, want

     What do you wish for? Or long for? Is it happiness? A new car? A house in the country? Retirement? The Song of Songs records the love story of Solomon and his wife. Song 7:10 says: “I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me.” The Hebrew word for desire is that longing or a stretching out after. God’s plan for us is that we would first desire the things of God; but then to desire, to long for our spouse. This isn’t something only for the young love of our youth, but it should be a part of the marriage relationship for life! Proverbs 5 says; “may you rejoice in the wife of your youth… may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

     Desire isn’t a passing feeling or something we have or don’t have. It is a choice we make; a choice of where we put our focus. Too many of us are focused on stuff - material things that won’t mean anything in our old age. Or perhaps it is Facebook and being “connected” with others. Or online games. More couples are coming for counseling with one (usually the husband) more focused on games and their online “friends” than their spouse. The Word of God tells us that where our focus is, our heart will be also. The online or materialistic stuff will not last like a strong healthy marriage. All of that won’t help when you suffer cancer or other serious medical condition. Facebook and online games won’t keep you company in your old age and you can’t see the screen any longer.

     A healthy marriage relationship has to be cultivated, to be built up over time. It requires time and work; but most of all, it required focus. Where is your focus? Yes, you may have to work, take care of children, and maintain a home - we are all busy. You can fulfill your responsibilities and still focus on your spouse. Do you crave or want time with your spouse? Do you desire to be with him or her? Choose to long for your spouse. Think about him or her, day-dream about them, plan to have time with them. Make a call during the day, text, or send a card to let him or her know that you are thinking of them. Read the Song of Songs alone or together. Consider the longing Solomon and his wife had for each other. It’s not some fairy-tale romance, it is poetry written about their true love for each other. What will you do to express your desire for your spouse?

Work: Something a Person Has to Do

     Work for man-kind began even before the fall - God created man and woman to rule over the animals and take care of the garden. The fall brought the curse and work became difficult; not only for the basics, such as feeding themselves and bearing children, but also in their relationships. Before the fall, man didn’t have to worry about food, after the fall - it became arduous work to gather food. Before the fall, relationships were easy - both with God and each other; after the fall, relationships became difficult and required work.

     As much as couples hate to hear it, every marriage requires work. There are things husbands and wives have to do to build healthy relationships. Naturally, without work or effort, a marriage will fall apart. It could be a law of the universe; ‘healthy, vibrant, mutually edifying relationships, require work.’ Of the couples who come to us for counseling; those who do the work, change, grow, and see their relationship become strong and healthy. We usually see failure of the marriage when a couple doesn’t do the work.

     You must be willing to talk and work through problems you experience. You have to learn and use healthy communication principles to strengthen your marriage. You have to develop healthy boundaries and implement them into your life and marriage. You must be willing and then put the effort into connecting with your spouse and growing together. Is it difficult? At first, but it gets easier as you continue to give of yourself and seek to build relationship. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it also does not take a long time to begin seeing change and growth.

     Great achievements aren’t always accomplished by the person with the most talent, ability, education, or money. Great achievements are accomplished by those who do not give up and are willing to change and make things work one way or another. Do you want a better marriage? A successful marriage? An incredible marriage beneficial to both you and your spouse? Work at it! Put the effort into developing the skills and abilities needed for a healthy marriage - it is something you have to do!

Love: Unconditional Giving to One Another

     LOVE: Something we all want; in fact, something we all need. We are created to love; first God and then others. Jesus responded to the question of what is the greatest commandment; with, 'Love God and love others.' Everything else is based on these two basic premises. YET, do we truly love? Our spouse? Children? Friends and family? Those we are in conflict with? Too often the answer is, 'no, we don't.' Perhaps you protest that you do love your spouse; you provide for her or take care of him. But do you really love him or her? Do you give unconditionally and sacrificially? Do you seek his or her good in all things? Biblically, we are not to seek to get love, we are to seek to love; to give unconditionally and sacrificially.

     1 John 3:16 tells us what love truly is: “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.” Love is giving of ourselves—with Jesus Christ as our example. He left the glories of heaven to come to earth to die a horrible death for you! We tend to think that Christ’s death on the cross is all there is to His work. Jesus died to self and gave of Himself every day for the 33 years He was on earth heading for that cross. Yet, we tend to balk at any and every opportunity to quit thinking of ourselves and give sacrificially to our spouse.

     What would happen if you stopped trying to get your needs met? If you stopped telling your spouse all the wrong things he or she does and sought to love him or her the way Christ loves you - dying to self and giving all without expectation of any return? Perhaps, for the first time, your spouse would see Christ at work in your life and thereby be drawn to you, rather than repulsed by you. Forget trying to change, correct, or fix your spouse! Love him or her unconditionally and sacrificially.

The Spirit of Christ in the Movie The Grinch

     Reluctantly, I went to see the new Grinch movie - my mother wanted to see it and my grandkids wanted to see it for a second time. I was pleasantly surprised by the movie in several respects. Yes, it was a quality movie; with action that kept it moving and a well-written story, but I was surprised by the bottom line message of the movie: Christmas isn't about the stuff - it's about giving and celebrating. The Grinch stole Christmas (the presents and decorations) from the Whos, but he didn't really take Christmas from them and it did not change them - they celebrated without the stuff. 

     So, are we about the stuff, or about giving and celebrating the coming of Jesus Christ? Are you like the Grinch; allowing pain and past hurt to keep you down and wallowing in your own problems? Or are you like the Whos; focused on giving and celebrating Christ rather than the stuff - the presents and trapping of Christmas? Yes, the world is a terrible, scary place full of danger and problems and pain, but Jesus Christ is bigger than all of it! Live your life for Jesus - seek to give of yourself as He gave His all for you.

Submission: Aligning one’s self with another

     Submission, unfortunately, is an extremely polarizing word in society today. Criticized both within and outside the church, people simply do not want to hear that they are to submit to anyone, much less a woman submitting to her husband! One “Christian leader” even has stated publicly that he just throws the word out of the Bible. Yet, the Bible clearly states that people are to submit to God, fellow Christians, and the rulers God has put in place - and that wives are to submit to their husbands. Submission should be a positive part of every Christian’s life. Abuses of the Biblical ideal of submission are not a reason to discard the principle.
     We are to obey the authorities God has put into place (1 Peter 2:13), those over us (Ephesians 5:33, 1 Peter 2:18), church leadership (Hebrews 13:17), and other Christians (Ephesians 5:21). Christians are called to submission! Often couples don’t realize that submitting one to another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21) applies also to husband and wife. We submit to each other as we would submit to other Christians, honoring and respecting each other, and humbly accepting each other’s admonitions that help us grow and mature in our walk with the Lord.

     In marriage, the wife consents to being led—she is not forced. She respects and honors her husband; she is not his slave. She supports and encourages her husband, rather than mothering him and trying to make him into something she thinks he should be. As the husband leads by submitting to God and loving his wife sacrificially, the wife aligns herself with him; and then, working together, they go in the direction God intends for them. The world needs to see husbands and wives submitted to God and loving each other by giving of themselves for each other; not arguing about who is in charge. Are you living in submission to the Lord your God and loving your spouse as the Lord would want you to love him or her?

For more information, check out: 

    WhatYou Need to Know about the Meaning of Submission in the Bible 

           by Denise Larson Cooper

   SixThings Submission Is Not by John Piper

   WhatIs The Biblical Definition of Submission? What Is Christian Submission? 

          by Jack Wellman