Fortify Your Marriage

Marriage: a 100-0 Relationship

2012-03-06T21:18:00.000-08:00

How often have you heard someone say, “Marriage is 50-50, we’ve got to give and take?” Or how about the speaker I heard admonishing men to make their marriage relationships 60-40 – ‘come on men, let’s give a little more than our wives!’? 60-40? What if Christ only gave 60% and expected us to give the other 40? Jesus gave all for our salvation – while we were yet sinners, he died for us. Jesus is our example of what it is to die to self – he said that ‘friends’ will give their lives for one another, just as he gave his life for us. According to the Gospel, our marriage relationship should be a 100-0 relationship, giving all as Christ gave all, dying to self as Christ died to self – without expectations!

Will we do this perfectly? No! We are not Christ, but if we aim at 60-40, we will be lucky to hit 40-60 (which is what we see a lot in marriage counseling – spouses trying to get their fair share). We are to imitate Christ and aim to give 100% - to completely humble ourselves and give without expectations. That is the way of the cross. I think of a quote I read and use a lo by Kenn Kington: “If you are looking for someone to meet your needs, make you happy, and make your life worthwhile, you will be greatly disappointed, quickly discouraged, and basically unhappy the rest of your life. But, if you will just be the person God has made you to be, and find out how you can give your life to someone else by meeting their needs and making them happy, you will discover fulfillment, joy, and peace in ways you can’t even imagine.” Wow! That is what the Christian life is about – it is what marriage should be about – giving our lives to someone else.

I will tell you from experience that when I gave up trying to get my wife to make me happy and started to think about what I can do to make her happy, our marriage changed. Do I do this perfectly? No! But I do it better than I did 10 years ago, or 2 years ago, or 6 months ago – and I will tell you that I have experienced fulfillment, joy and peace in ways I couldn’t have imagined. Why do we have to be so concerned about what we are going to get? The Christian life should be about giving. Will you make a commitment to give and stop attempting to get your spouse to meet your needs and make you happy? Will you seek to be the person God made you to be and strive to meet your spouse’s needs and make him or her happy? Give 100% without expecting anything in return. The joy and peace of God is worth the effort!

Protecting Your Marriage

2012-02-22T07:38:00.001-08:00

It is necessary to take steps to protect your marriage. We are dealing with several couples working through the sin of infidelity at different levels right now and it is difficult! It is not worth the pain you experience to go through the devastation of infidelity. Too many people say, ‘Oh, it could never happen to me – I would never commit adultery.’ We all are only a couple bad decisions away from making possibly the worst mistake of our lives. In today’s world of busy lives, disconnected spouses and abounding temptations, marriages must be protected.

During some research I discovered an article titled, The Science of Love which discussed how chemicals in the brain react to provide those “feelings” of love and bond humans together. The article reported a study in which a researcher asked people to: one, find a complete stranger; two, reveal intimate details about their lives to each other for thirty minutes; and three, then stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes without speaking. He found that many of these couples felt deeply attracted to each other after the 34 minute experiment. Two of his subjects later got married. Wow! In just 34 minutes, two complete strangers can become deeply attracted to each other! It is an amazing discovery.

There are three conclusions that come to mind regarding this research finding. First, a distant or distressed couple can positively change their relationship in 34 minutes. Second, 34 minutes can ruin a marriage and rip apart a family if the time is spent in the wrong place. Third, Christian singles and young people must be aware; spending time with non-Christians of the opposite gender is dangerous! The ‘we’re just friends,’ or ‘we’re just going on a date – not getting married’ argument does not work! In 34 minutes a bond can grow and either strengthen a godly relationship or lead you down the wrong path; we need to be on guard against falling into the trap of experiencing intimacy with the wrong person. Protect your marriage!

The Vow

2012-02-17T10:53:00.001-08:00

We went to see the movie, The Vow yesterday and it was good, but not spectacular. The movie is about a young couple who fell in love, married, and then were in a serious car accident. When the wife came out of a coma, she had no memory of her husband. The husband worked to win his wife back and the movie ended with their relationship seemingly going in the right direction, but not yet back together. Before the credits there was a quick photo and text about the movie being based on a true story, which I had to check out.

My research found that the true story is a lot better than the edited version in the movie. The couple, Kim and Krickitt Carpenter married in 1993 and within 10 weeks of their wedding, they were in a very serious car accident, in which, Krickitt almost died. She survived, but when she came out of the coma, she had absolutely no memory of Kim, her husband, and to this day has lost all memory of two and half years of her life. The greatest omission of the movie is the Carpenter’s faith; devout Christians, they say it was their faith that kept them together through their terrible ordeal.

Rebuilding their relationship was difficult, although both tend to downplay the struggle. At one point, Kim thought their marriage would not work, but he wouldn’t give up; “I made a vow before God,” he explained, “until death do you part.” Krickett later said that, “I would love to say that I fell in love with him again because that’s what everybody wants to hear, but I chose to love him and that was based on obedience to God, not feelings… I chose to love him because I made a vow.” Their wedding vows kept them together when both found they were married to strangers – Krickett because she had no memory of her husband, Kim because the brain injury caused significant changes in the wife he had grown to love. It is a challenge to all of us to live out our wedding vows – until death does us part.

Keeping Romance Alive

2012-02-08T17:59:00.000-08:00

Romance is critical to the marriage relationship, but too often couples neglect the romantic part of their relationship. It is important to keep romance alive in your relationship, but realizing that it will take some time and energy. There are several misconceptions about romance; romance is not a feeling, an emotion or contrary to what some “experts” have written, it is not a stage in marriage. Romance is sharing and giving of yourself – the little – and big – things you do to say, “I love you” and let your spouse know that he or she is special.

Two myths about romance pervade our culture today: first, that the feelings of love at the beginning of a relationship are romance. Some people are addicted to these feelings and jump from one relationship to another in an attempt to maintain the euphoria they feel during this period. Those “feelings” are the chemical reaction in the brain God put into humans so that we would bond and attach to one another. Couples need to move beyond this “enchantment” and toward maturity in their relationship. The second myth is similar in that many people believe that romance is a stage of marriage and mature love moves past it and gets on with life. There may be commitment, but there is no fire in the relationship and it is sad to see, because there can be so much more.

When a couple cultivates romance in their marriage, it builds intimacy and enhances their relationship. We may not experience the “feelings” of love every day, but with some creativity and a little work, the fire can keep burning. The Song of Solomon and Proverbs 5:18-19 speak to need for romance in marriage. There can be a desire for your spouse, but you must do something to cultivate it. Discover and speak your spouse’s love language, have a date night weekly, or at least once a month, do loving things for your spouse daily – be creative and have fun! Remember, babysitters are less expensive than marriage counselors.

Cows and Sheep

2012-01-24T07:35:00.000-08:00

1 Corinthians 11:3 states that man is head of the woman. And in that line of thinking, it tells us that the wife is to submit to the husband. This certainly is true – but – and this is a huge exception – the man is ‘to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.’ Jesus is to be our model, our example. How does He lead? As a shepherd leads his flock. We see the analogy of a shepherd and his flock throughout the Bible, and in the New Testament the analogy is used as a direct example of our relationship with Christ. He is the shepherd; we are the sheep. In this same way as we lead our family, we are to be the shepherd.

Sheep are led by a shepherd who cares for them and calls for them to follow him where he is going. Cows are driven by a cattle driver who pushes and yells at them to make them go where he wants them to go. Men who drive their wife and children may get the job done, but they won’t build good relationships with their families. Men who lead their wife and children will show the way by their consistency and encouragement. Jesus is the shepherd and He is our example.

Men, think about how you want to be directed, by being pushed and prodded into doing what is right? Or by being led by example receiving encouragement along the way? Which way do you lead your family – as sheep or as cattle? Jesus demonstrated His headship by dieing for mankind. Are you willing to die to self to demonstrate your headship? Are you willing to be that example of commitment and faithfulness to your family? Are you willing to live the life you want your wife and children live?

Sacrifice

2012-01-18T09:28:00.001-08:00

Third part of this series on sacrifice and submission: Today we discuss sacrifice. Sacrifice is not a popular term in today’s culture. Life in our culture tends to be about me; making me happy and fulfilling me – even in the Christian church! This is not the life taught by Jesus Christ. He taught what He lived out in His life on earth; a life of sacrifice, of giving, of serving, and of dying to self and putting others first. Christ sacrificed everything for us! He left the comfort and bliss of Heaven to enter into a sinful, dark, horrible world, walked the dusty, dirty roads of Judea enduring the scorn of the very people He came to save and then allowed Himself to be tried, derided and hung on a cross for our sins. That my friends, is sacrifice!

Christians are urged to offer our bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God (Romans 12:1). They are told to imitate God – loving as much as Christ loved and gave Himself up for us as a sacrifice (Ephesians 5:1-2). Christ is our model and we are to sacrifice ourselves and serve others, putting others first. It is not easy to do, but when we sacrifice, it is an incredible testimony to our Lord. The early church knew this well! People did not become Christians lightly in the first centuries of Christianity. People knew it would cost them in prestige and often monetarily, and it might even cost their life. We have lost this focus of sacrifice as a way of life.

While all Christians are to sacrifice, men are especially called to sacrifice themselves for their wives. Ephesians 5:25 states; “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” Not only did Christ die on the cross for the church, but we must remember that He also chose to leave the glory of Heaven and live as a human for 30 years knowing He was going to the cross. Men likewise are to sacrifice for their wives. They are to die to self and give themselves for their wives. Not abdicating leadership, but serving their wives, taking care of their wives, being concerned for their wives, seeking to meet their wives’ needs. If Christian husbands did just these three things, there would be some serious changes in marriages throughout the church.

Submission

2012-01-11T14:23:00.000-08:00

As a continuation of last week’s blog, I’m going to wade into that mine field of topic; “submission.” First, we must realize that there is a Biblical mandate for submission. We are all to submit to God, governmental authorities, church leaders, employers and each other as Christians. This is not always an easy thing to do – especially for certain personality temperaments. Submission is a matter of humility and considering others better than ourselves as seen in Philippians 2:3. Brothers and sisters; this should be our aim in life! Christ came to this earth not to be served, but to serve (Mat. 20:28) and we are to grow into His likeness. It does not mean we are timid, subservient creatures, but like Christ, we are to be totally and completely submitted to God and His will for our lives.

Everyone will agree with the fact that, Biblically, we are to submit, but now we get to the sticky part; ‘wives submitting to their husbands.’ It is not a popular statement in today’s culture, but Ephesians 5:22, Colossians 3:18, Titus 2:5 and 1 Peter 3:1 all point out that wives are to submit to their husbands. This is also Biblical folks! Like it or not, and argue all you want whether the Greek word “kefaleé“ means “head” or “source,” the fact is wives are called to submit to their husbands. Why? Ephesians 5:23 states that, “the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church.” This does not mean that the wife is subservient to the husband – she is one with him, they are equal, but the husband is to be the leader, demonstrating submission by his submission to God and leading his family in God’s ways. When both husband and wife are submitted to God, submission between them is not going to be a problem!

Speaking directly to wives; you are to respect your husband (Eph. 5:33) and build him up, being his strength, his strong right arm. Do you do that? Or are you the nagging, hounding wife trying to get his attention by bringing up the same things over and over and over again? Proverbs 27:15-16 says that, “A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.” Proverbs speaks of quarrelsome wife five times. Yes, a wife must confront sin and misguided decisions and between two Christians he is to listen to her, but too many wives are quarrelsome and nagging, rather than uplifting and bringing her husband good not harm (Prv. 31: 12). You are to be a team, working together meeting the demands and challenges of life. The submitted wife works with her husband, not against him.

Sacrifice and Submission

2012-01-04T21:50:00.000-08:00

Submission can still be a hot topic today, but for the most part the discussion has been swept away under the guise of ‘only fundamentalists talk about submission.’ “Conservative” Christians attempt to assert the Biblical mandate of submission, but it really only serves to alienate and polarize people. Most people today, even in the church, do not have a Biblical view of submission. The problem is that, in our individualistic, “me” oriented culture no one is submitted to God. On occasion, I will bait Christian men with the question; “Do you want to make your wives submit?” Some will nod in the affirmative with wide-eyed anticipation; others will cross their arms with a skeptical look of ‘where is this going?’ When I tell them that they need to demonstrate submission, they all groan or roll their eyes. I have not had one man say, ‘tell me more, I want to demonstrate submission to God as example for my wife.’

Likewise, sacrifice does not seem to be a part of the Christian vocabulary today. Yes, Jesus was the sacrifice that gave us reconnection with the Father, but too often sacrifice is viewed in the negative; God wants mercy, not sacrifice (Matt 9:13) or sacrifice is something Christ did for us. We are not taught that we are the sacrifice. Romans 12:1 tells us to offer our bodies as living sacrifices and Ephesians 5 admonishes us to be imitators of Christ and give up ourselves as offerings and sacrifices to God. Early Christians knew the cost of discipleship – they could lose everything, even their lives for declaring themselves Christians. Today, it seems that we not willing to sacrifice anything to be Christians. The fact that the average Christian gives $5 a week to his church bears this fact out. Heaven forbid, we ask that one gives up his “freedoms” so that he can be holy and set apart for God.

Interestingly, Paul addressed sacrifice in Romans 12 and submission in Romans 13. In the next couple of weeks, we will look at these two concepts individually. Christians are to live sacrificially and more specifically, husbands are called to sacrifice for their wives: “Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph 5:25). Christians are also to live in submission; first to God, but also to governmental authorities, church leaders, employers, each other and more specifically, wives are called to submit to their husbands. Christians should demonstrate lives of sacrifice and submission – this shouldn’t be the man versus woman contention it has become, but that is what happened with the fall isn’t it?

Marriage: The Union of Two Fallen Humans

2011-12-28T15:56:00.000-08:00

People usually marry expecting that their spouses will never sin against them. It may not be a conscious expectation, but there is the expectation that, “if you love me, you will never wrong me.” This of course does not fit with Romans 3:23 (all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God) and 1 John 1:8 (if we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves…). We live in a broken and sinful world and have a propensity for sin ourselves. Selfishness comes naturally for us and all too quickly, we can fall back into poor behavior that negatively affects our relationship. Yes, we should not sin against or hurt our spouse, but we do.

Ruth Graham once said that, “a happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” Forgiveness must be a part of our marriage relationship. It is required. Jesus stated that if we do not forgive others their sins, our sins will not be forgiven (Matthew 6:15). Couples begin moving apart when unforgiveness and bitterness set in and if not checked, this will lead to separation. Oneness and continued growth in the relationship necessitates moving toward one another and forgiveness restores the relationship when husband or wife has been wronged. The majority of serious marital problems are not caused by one catastrophic sin, but the accumulation of small problems not forgiven.

So, what are we to do? First, we must realize that neither of us are perfect. We are both human beings prone to sin. Second, we need to be willing to ask for forgiveness and give forgiveness when hurt happens in the marriage relationship. Colossians 3:12-14 is a great passage to live by: “Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” After 30 years of marriage, I can tell you it does get easier, but you must continue to work at it.

Sacrificial Love

2011-12-21T10:35:00.001-08:00

Christmas: a time when; retailers hope to ring in great sales, non-profits hope gain donations, kids hope to receive all the toys they want, adults hope to receive the things (or thing) they want, and now, a time when many Christians are calling for the restoration of Christ to Christmas. Of course, what they mean by restoration is different for each person. An now we have the Christmas wars; secularists and atheists attempting to remove all displays of Christmas from public view, the changing of Christmas to the Holiday Season, and Christians fighting back to keep the holiday intact. Peace and goodwill to all men? In addition to the public arguments, people are fighting in stores for toys and screaming at others in the parking lot because they took their parking space. What a disaster Christmas has become! Hmmm, perhaps that is exactly what the Enemy wants.

God gave His Son that whoever believes in Him will have eternal life. Jesus came into the world lived as a man, and died on a cross that mankind might be reconciled with God. We cannot comprehend the sacrificial love of Christ; if we even attempted, we would be celebrating Christ’s great love for us, not deciding how we are going to pay for all the stuff we have to buy as Christmas presents. Folks, it is not about getting Christ back into Christmas, it is about getting Christ back into our lives! The Bible points out clearly that our lives are not to be about possessions, but about love; love for God and love for others. The Word of God goes as far to suggest that anyone who does not love his brother is a child of devil! (1John 3:10) We know love is by what Jesus Christ has done; that he laid down His life for us. Again, from 1 John 3; “If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?” (verse 17) People will know us as Christ’s disciples if we have love for one another (John 13:35). As Christians we are to live out Christ’s sacrificial love.

What are we to do in this Christmas season? We are live out the Christianity that should be evident every day of our lives; living in peace with one another (Romans 12:18), giving generously (1 Corinthians 9:6-7), loving our neighbor (Matthew 22:39), proclaiming the birth of the Savior (Luke 2:11) and making disciples (Matthew 28:19). Where should this begin? In our own homes, then in our churches, our communities; the nation will change when we, as God’s people, humble ourselves, pray and seek God’s face. We need to celebrate Christmas every day of the year – Christ has come and given the ultimate gift, the gift of life as He sacrificed Himself for us. This is the good news of the Gospel. In God’s power, we can live out the Gospel and make a difference in this world.

Care vs. Candor

2011-12-12T21:39:00.000-08:00

John Maxwell wrote about the need for balance between care and candor in his book, The Five Levels of Leadership. He wrote about this in the context of leadership in a business environment, but the concept also applies to our marriage and family relationships. Mr. Maxwell stated that, “Care without candor creates dysfunctional relationships. Candor without care creates distant relationships.” We often see dysfunctional or distant relationships in our counseling and have experienced the fact that out of balance either will hurt and possibly destroy relationships. Care defined is the concern or worry for another, while candor is frank or open expression. It is the balance of the two that helps bring about healthy relationships.

We need this balance in our marriage relationship, but also in our relationships with children, parents, friends, really, anyone we experience relationship with. Maxwell stated that, “caring establishes the relationship while candor expands the relationship.” Any person I am in relationship with first must know that I care for him or her or there will be no relationship. Yet, at the same time, our relationship will not grow without candor, the ability to speak truth openly and honestly. Continued growth in the relationship requires this balance of both care and candor.

Another aspect of this concept is the fact that usually, one spouse will tend to be more caring, while the other will tend to be more candid. This can be a source of pain and hurt if we do not achieve a balance between care and candor in the marriage relationship. The relationship will not survive without the balance and it is incumbent on each spouse to learn from the other and be willing to grow and change in whichever area he or she is weaker in. By working together as husband and wife, we can better achieve this balance between care and candor, not only in our marriage relationship, but also in our other relationships.

All Marriages Are Unique

2011-12-07T08:56:00.000-08:00

If asked, we all would say, ‘yes, all marriages are unique,’ but if we believe this to be true, why do we pronounce some marriages good, some bad, and why do we all have our own view of what a successful marriage looks like? What about the “traditional” marriage, so many long for? We tend to use our beliefs about marriage to judge other marriages and their health. Yes, there are guidelines for marriage – the Bible provides everything we need for successful marriages, but each marriage is unique and very different. When we marry, we merge two completely different people with very different family backgrounds. We need to use our individual strengths and abilities to create a marriage that works for us a couple.

There are a lot of misconceptions about marriage; the idea that the husband leaves home in the morning; works all day and then comes home to put his feet up, while the wife, who has worked all day dealing with children and a myriad of other tasks, serves him in his favorite lounge chair. This is what is known as the “traditional” marriage and while it only really existed in the 1950s and 60s; many people hold it up as the ideal in marriage. The problem is that it is not biblical. The biblical marriage is one in which the couple works together in all areas of life; they do what it takes to complete the tasks required each day. They are supposed to be a team!

I think of Billy and Ruth Graham. The ministry of evangelism, his “job” per se, consumed much of his time, and while Ruth may have been more involved caring for their children, she was an integral part of his ministry. After Ruth’s death, Billy stated that; “She was a vital and integral part of our ministry, and my work through the years would have been impossible without her encouragement and support." When Billy was home from the “ministry,” he was very involved in the family. They were a team working together and while their circumstances and lives were much different than yours or mine, we can learn from Billy and Ruth as we seek to build our own strong, healthy marriages that will uniquely glorify Christ.